


With Every Single Beat of My Heart

by writeyourownlifestory



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Character Death, Death, Hospitals, Illness, M/M, ServiceDog, Suicide, bad boy, heart defect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-11-13 23:25:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeyourownlifestory/pseuds/writeyourownlifestory
Summary: Nobody thought a simple mistake could lead to a beautiful friendship. Especially not Ben. After getting in trouble with the law, his step-dad makes a deal with the court: complete community service hours rather than do any real jail time. Ben isn't exactly pleased to be spending his free time with the ill, at least until he meets another volunteer that turns his world upside down.What happens with a man born with a silver spoon in his mouth falls for a guy who doesn't plan on living for very much longer?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, you better strap in because this story is gonna take you on a wild ride!
> 
> PS, thank you to Real---Remy on tumblr/twitter for making the mood board! I am sorry I made you cry with this story, but I'm not really that sorry.

**__ **

**_I was born to love you_ **

**_With every single beat of my heart_ **

**_Yes, I was born to take care of you_ **

**_Every single day of my life_ **

 

To Ben’s utter surprise, it was relatively easy to get arrested for petty garbage. Back when he was a teen running up and down the London streets, nothing ever stood in his way. He could pick-pocket or cause trouble and nobody ever blinked an eye. It was just how things were. Lads would be lads and they’d run amuck along with the busy city streets and the folks would just laugh and let them go.  
  
Things were different when he came to New York. And as he got older, even more, things changed. Like family splitting up. His mum marrying someone new. Some hotshot that was apparently a big deal. Even in his early twenties, Ben was still treated like a child. Maybe that was why he acted out the way he did? If they were going to treat him like an infant, might as well bloody act like one.  
  
He never stole, but he took advantage. If he wanted his mum to think he and this new guy — Tom Hollander or whatever — we're getting along all he would do was put on a great face while all the while Tom was slipping money into his hand. Lots of money.  
  
Tom had no objections to buying happiness, especially if it meant keeping his new wife pleased. Ben would roll his eyes and call him a moron, but take his money all the same. He would take anything that Tom offered. Money, cars, all sorts of gifts. He was glad for it.  
  
For his last birthday, Tom showed up with a vintage Triumph TR4. It was absolutely beautiful and Ben was thankful for it.  
  
He missed his dad, but they didn’t talk much. He had been in New York since he was fifteen and by now his dad had moved on as well. He had a life for himself that apparently, Ben just wasn’t meant to be a part of.  
  
Ben said it didn’t matter. He didn’t work because why did he have to? Tom paid for his apartment and his phone and his car. He had no worries. He meant dozens of women and didn’t care about a single one of them because why should he? They didn’t mean a thing and he liked it that way.  
  
He had friends that he really didn’t care for either, but again. Not his problem. He just skipped through life without a single car in the world.  
  
Until the night that changed everything.  
  
Street racing wasn’t legal in England and it wasn’t legal in New York, but he did it anyway because of the rush of it. It was fun. How could it not be? Zooming through busy streets, sometimes having to go up on sidewalks. It was chaos and Ben lived for that shit.  
  
He and a couple of guys gave it ago a couple of times a month and most of the time it ended with the others eating his tail lights, but this time was different. They went out late enough where the streets were so cluttered, but now people were out and about and Ben had to do everything to stop from slamming right into them. It almost worked too until a cop got on their tail.  
  
Ben tried to outrun them. To go down some side streets he knew about and lay low, but little did he know there were multiple cops out in the area. Without even realizing it, Ben made a quick turn and slammed right into the side of a squad car.  
  
There was honestly nothing worse than that.  
  
He was arrested for the racing and for endangerment to society. The car insurance was to pay for his vehicle as well as the officer's car. He didn’t care in the least since it wasn’t under his name.  
  
Tom was accommodating, thanking the police for handling the situation in such a neat matter. He had never seen his mom so upset. This might have been his first offense in America, but she remembered all too well when he was a little shit back in England.  
  
He never did anything too bad. Never stole or sold drugs, but he was annoying and caused trouble just the same. She thought he had grown up since then and ultimately blamed herself.  
  
To his surprise, it was his mother that wanted him to serve jail time. She had never been strict with him before, so it was a certain change when she was speaking with the police, suggesting they keep him there for longer than need be. She thought it would be good for him. Thought it would scare him straight and what not, but Tom refused. Maybe because he knew she’d regret it or maybe, just maybe, Tom was an evil genius none the less.  
  
He knew Ben was a good person deep down. Honest and truly, even if he pretended not to be. He helped little old ladies cross the street. He had that organ donor box checked on his license. He may think he’s above it all, but Tom could see right through his bullshit and he was going to prove it to him.  
  
Rather than have him deal with the judge and have him rotten in jail, Tom had suggested community service. As it so happened, Tom worked for the local hospital, running their business department. He worked his ass off and got paid well for it. He had suggested the young man volunteer there to pay back his debts to society.  
  
The police thought it was a good idea especially since Ben openly objected to it. He wasn’t a fan of hospitals. Who could be? They were smelly and full of germs. Dozens of sick people and newborn babies. No, no. He’d rather deal with the jail time.  
  
But alas, Tom’s suggestion won in the end and he arrived bright and early. He was to be there five out of seven days for at least five hours a day. Ben had no idea what the fuck he was going to do for five hours, but Tom gave him lots of options.  
  
There were different wards he could visit. Read to the children. Sit with the elderly. If he applied and was chosen, he could comfort the babies in the NICU. He could work the cafeteria or help the janitors.  
  
The choice was his and while each seemed worse than the next, Ben decided to throw caution to the wind and went with the kids.  
  
Despite seeing it in movies and tv shows, Ben had no idea that there were children who lived at the hospital. Actually stayed there rather than going home. Some were only there due to surgery while others were too sick to leave their bed let alone room.  
  
It put the world into a strange perspective and reminded Ben how much of a piece of shit he had been. Sure, he had fun but these poor kids didn’t even know what real fun was.  
  
Their options of fun were watching whatever channels the hospital got or putting up with his stupid ass coming in to visit.  
  
He had never been good with children, but he tried. He read to them though he didn’t do silly voices. He played with some toys which he had personally made sure were cleaned up. Tom had a doctor friend who insisted that none of the children were ill with anything he could catch. This brought a decent comfort to him though he was still uncomfortable just the same.  
  
He had visited three times already, more or less stalking through the halls on the fourth day when he caught sight of somebody else sitting with the kids. He didn’t know of anybody else who would volunteer and stood in the doorway watching. It was a guy around his age, happy and cheerful as he strummed the guitar. He was singing some song, trying to get the kids to sing along. None of them did but he didn’t fault on it.  
  
When he was finished, Ben made his entrance known, watching as the children scattered back around. The guy smiled when he saw him, extending a hand for him to shake as he introduced himself.  
  
His name was Joe and it seemed he already knew who Ben was. Apparently, he was a bit of a regular in the area and some of the nurses were speaking of him. Ben asked him which ones, hoping it was the cute blond one with the pretty eyes, but instead it was one of the older ones that Ben had been bothering while trying to take a smoke break.  
  
He didn’t seem phased, however. Some people took a bit longer to warm up to him and accept his charm. He’d get around to them eventually. Just as Joe was about to make his exit, another nurse came in to express that it was quiet time.  
  
Ben was left in the wings, unsure of what he was supposed to do now. He had to sign in and out of the hospital and he was fairly certain that if someone saw him leave and it got back to Tom that he would have his ass handed to him in one way or another.  
  
Joe stepped in and suggested they hang out instead. He could show him around the hospital and it would technically count as volunteer work. Ben guessed the guy knew the place well enough if he came often enough to be able to wrangle the kids.  
  
They went around and around, seeing all the different wings and places to go. He even snuck him up on the roof time which was excellent since he really did need a smoke. Joe gave him space, insisting that he never touched the stuff since he didn’t want to get sick. He had an off expression on his face when he said it, but Ben didn’t question it.  
  
Joe seemed like an odd guy, to say the least. He came off as he enjoyed being at the hospital and that alone was too much for him. Ben was there to do one thing and one thing only and that was to earn his freedom back. He didn’t know what would happen when it was over.  
  
Would he eventually have to work? If so, he was completely fucked since he skipped over the college in exchange for free shit. Where the hell could he actually work? Maybe he could contact his old buddy and see if that male modeling gig was still a thing? He may not be bright, but he was good looking and that's what mattered.  
  
Would Tom let him keep his apartment? Where else would he go? Maybe he would go back to England. See what his old primary friends were up to. Maybe force his dad to acknowledge his existence.  
  
It wasn’t his idea to go to America after all. His bloody mother forced it upon him. What was he supposed to do? He was just a teenager. Just a kid.  
  
He took the bus home since his car was completely wrecked. He still had his license but he had yet to earn the right to use it, at least that's how it was in the eyes of his parents. His mother really wanted him to learn a bloody lesson, that much was for sure.  
  
The next day there was no sign of Joe and he was back to playing with the kids. They were getting bored with him and he could tell that with ease. They ranged from being less than ten to near teenage. There had to be a way to bring them all together. Ben just hadn’t figured that out yet.  
  
That was until he remembered Joe playing the guitar and he got some ideas. Back when he moved here, the school he went to insisted that he learn an instrument. Ben, being the nosy little shit, decided to pick the loudest he could choose from and instantly went for the drums.  
  
He wasn’t a professional or anything of the sorts but he could play well enough. He brought in a cheap drum set he had bought from the store and donated it to the hospital for the kids to play with. They had an absolute blast and while he was fairly certain the entire section of the hospital hated his bloody guts it entertained the kids well enough.  
  
When he was taking his leave, he spotted Joe again and proudly went to tell him how well he did. Joe had given him some tips on how to keep the kids entertained and the only thing he really could suggest was just not to take it too seriously.  
  
Don’t be afraid of the kids. Don’t make them feel like they’re any less because they’re sick. Let them be kids to the best of your ability. That's all they want at the end of the day. Joe could only sort and pat him on the back for the decent job he did.  
  
Ben didn’t want to come off as bragging, but he had to admit the drum thing was pretty smart. They’d have to share which might be tricky, but it was still fun nonetheless. Sure, the nurses may actually have his head now, but the staff will figure out a time for the kids to actually use the instrument.  
  
During his two days off, Ben felt like everything was back to normal. Despite not having a car, he still planned to go out and live his life. He went out to the bars and met up with some friends. The music was loud, the place was dark, and the ladies in his arms were pretty and left very little to the imagination with what they were wearing. He tossed down a card to pay for the tab while all the beautiful people circled around it. It was just like old times.  
  
Until he found out that each and every one of his credit cards had been canceled.  
  
It was not a good situation.  
  
He found Tom the following morning at his office. He tossed down every card he had been given, spreading them out across Tom’s desk. The older man sighed, stopping his work to collect the plastic pieces.  
  
“Your mother and I had a discussion about it.” He mentioned carefully. “We want you to learn from this experience. To know that money doesn’t just grow on trees, Ben.”  
  
“Am I to give up my place too? Move in with you and mum so we can be a happy little family again?”  
  
They never were one and Ben knew that was mostly his own fault. He didn’t give Tom a full chance. He was just the rich man his mum married after his dad stopped trying. He would look the other way and hold his hand out as Tom literally paid for his affection.  
  
“You can keep your place. I quite like it actually. That view, it’s lovely.”  
  
Tom had been there when Ben did his search for his own place. He paid for it all, so he got the final say and the view was definitely one of the higher points. You could see the entire city from his balcony. All the endless lights of the city that never slept.  
  
“We’re also allowing you to keep the money you have in your bank account. However, it’s time for you to get a job, Ben. Have a bit of responsibility. You’re not a child anymore. You’re not a little bird that needs his mummy to feed him worms. It’s time for you to spread your wings and fly away.  
  
Ben wanted to be angry, but how could he be? He got himself into this mess. One little mistake caused such a big after effect. Or maybe it was a big mistake or even dozens of little mistakes. Either way, Ben made his bed and now he had to lie in it. He baked his cake and now he’d have to eat it.  
  
Or really, he made his cake and had to watch as everybody around him stomped all over it.  
  
Ben had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do, but luck seemed to be on his side. He was sulking in the area and stumbled upon a HELP WANTED sign at a cafe. It was a chic little place, still fighting the good fight up against all the Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks the city had going for it.  
  
It was a place where hipsters would head to in order to get their adorable vintage Instagram post. Ben didn’t know jackshit about making drinks, but he put on a good face and presented himself well. The own, Priya, was more amused than anything. She saw right through his smile but gave him a chance regardless.  
  
Another coworker, Allen, had even suggested they turn Ben into the poster boy for the place just to get all the ladies to come around to see him. It was objectifying but he had a point in some regards. Ben decided to use his social media presence to promote the fuck out of the cafe in hopes of drumming up more business.  
  
A quick selfie of him sitting and drinking the coffee got thousands of likes and while it was rather awkward to have some followers coming in; some of them even just sitting there as he worked behind the counter, it got the point across nonetheless.  
  
He was able to work his volunteer work around his work schedule. Any day he closed, he went to the hospital first and any day he opened, he went to the hospital afterward. He had never been so busy in his entire life, with always having somewhere to be and something to do.  
  
He was more or less a smug bastard when his first paycheck came and while the portion that was removed for taxes hurt him to a degree, he was more than happy to take his dear old mum out for some food.  
  
Granted, he took her to his actual cafe where he got a discount but that was because they had delicious options and wanted to show it off.  
  
She was proud of him, despite it being very obvious he craved going back to his old ways. She tried to get into it, tried to talk about what happened between her and his father and how his dad handled it, but he refused. He wouldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this.  
  
He would rather work at the hospital every single day if it meant avoiding that specific conversation.  
  
He stumbled into Joe again in the hallway of the hospital and was informed by him that the children wouldn’t be able to interact during that time. Group therapy was important and they took the entire day to focus on it, leaving Ben with no options again.  
  
He thought about heading to the old folks when Joe suggested they go on another walk. Ben didn’t mind, especially since none of the nurses cared what they did so long as they kept out of trouble. He guessed so long as the two volunteers were at least in the hospital it counted as their work.  
  
They went back and forth talking about themselves. Ben told his basic life story, finally breaking down as to why he was there. Joe thought it was more amusing than anything.  
  
“I thought it was called ‘street racing, not street crashing.” He had teased. Ben didn’t know if he could roll his eyes back and further.  
  
Joe didn’t even realize people actually did that stuff. Street raced in real life. Maybe in the South where there was tons of land and people were a bit crazier, but not here.  
  
“People aren’t crazy here, just stupid,” Ben explained to him with a chuckle.  
  
Joe gave him bits and pieces, saying that he lived close by and that he came to the hospital whenever he could. It was just him and his mom now. Neither went into detail on their fathers and Ben was completely fine with that.  
  
They sat up on the roof again, just talking and enjoying the company. Joe was shy and confessed he liked having someone to talk to. The only people at the hospital that really interacted with him were doctors and nurses and they were trying to get work down.  
  
He worked part-time at an old book store that was fighting the good fight to stay open and it reminded Ben of his cafe.  
  
The way Joe spoke about books was fascinating. Each book was different and had something to offer. Joe loved reading. He loved writing. He wanted to make movies and write novels and live this wild, adventurous life.  
  
“What the bloody hell are you doing here then? Get out of here and do just that!” Ben had insisted.  
  
Joe just smiled, sipping down at his water as he looked over the edge of the hospital. He confessed to Ben that he sat up their once. Sat right on the edge. It was one of the best feelings in the world. Knowing that at any moment he could just slip off. In a smooth moment, everything you’ve worked on thus far would be gone in a blink.  
  
Ben didn’t see the appeal, but he also knew he wasn’t as insightful as Joe. While the blond tried not to take life too seriously, the brunet spoke as if every moment could be his last while also trying to hold onto his life for as long as possible.  
  
They seemed like total opposites and Ben absolutely adored it. He got fond of seeing Joe around the hospital and eventually demanded that they try to link up their schedules to the best of their abilities. It was easier to get work done when Joe was there. Easier to enjoy himself and made his hours feel like it was something he chose to do and wasn’t there by force.  
  
Joe had even bought him coffee one afternoon, having come up from his shift. He remembered Joe mentioning how he was lactose intolerant and made sure it was completely dairy free while also being sweet like Joe preferred.  
  
The male was hesitant at first but drank it anyway. He tried to go slow, but as the day went on and the sips got longer and longer, he finished it before Ben did. Things went downhill from there, however.  
  
He started feeling light-headed and he kept placing his hand over his chest. He was breathing strangely and before he knew it, Joe hit the floor right in the hallway.  
  
Ben was left confused and out of the loop as the nurses rushed over to him. The doctor that was friends with Tom stepped in and check on him, bringing him into a separate room. He had found Dr. Lee sometime later and questioned on his whereabouts but the doctor just insisted that Joe was fine.  
  
He refused to say anymore but assured Ben not to worry.  
  
When he met up with Joe the following day, the brunet made a lame excuse for not being able to handle his caffeine. He apologized to Ben for the whole ordeal and swore up and down it wouldn’t happen again, leaving the blond feeling more confused than he had been before.  
  
It was at this point that Ben realized that he thought of Joe as a friend, whether it was inside the hospital or not. He had invited Joe to go out with his friends a time or two early into him coming to the hospital, but it never got to be like that. He did it out of curtsy but never cared if he came or not.  
  
Ben found that he rarely went out now, having always to be at either the hospital or at the cafe and wouldn’t have minded if Joe stepped out with him once or twice. He always declined, however, expressing that his mother was overprotective and going out at night in the city was dangerous.  
  
It had been some time since Ben had gone out to a club or even a bar and merely suggested they sit around Ben’s place. He more or less bribed Joe into joining him, insisting that all those DVD’s that Joe collects (a collection he proudly spoke of in fact) would look fantastic on his big screen.  
  
It was a cheap trick but Ben was desperate for human interaction at this point. Being at the hospital was fun when he was with Joe but it always felt like work. For once he wanted to just sit around and be a normal guy.  
  
Joe came over and automatically began babbling on and on about how amazing the place was and how his own home didn't even have big. It was the first time Ben was shy about the things he had and insisted to Joe that it was more his step dad’s doing than anything else.  
  
It was then Ben realized he had called Tom his stepdad for the first time since he married his mother. Other times he was just Tom or Hollander.  
  
They had gotten onto the soft topic of what he thought of Tom, truly and deeply. Ben wanted to hate him at first but found that he couldn’t. He made his mum laugh and smile in ways Ben hadn’t seen since he was a child. He took him away from his home but gave him an amazing life. A life that Ben took for granted and abused for his own selfish reasons.  
  
Joe could see the topic wasn’t say so he didn’t push it. Ben found it easier to speak to it all with Joe than it had been his own mother. Perhaps because he was on the outside looking in. They sat together on the couch, eating popcorn and watching movies. Ben had teased Joe about how he liked his popcorn unbuttered and unsalted. It was so unexpected.  
  
You’d think a movie buff would want the whole shebang! Sticky fingers and whatnot but Joe just wrote it all off.  
  
When he left, he thanked Ben for the good time and they made a promise to see one another again. To do this hangout thing again.  
  
Except he didn’t see Joe for nearly a week after that. He had called and texted him but got no answer. He never came to the hospital and Ben felt like he was going crazy. He had never worried about someone like this before. Barely even himself and yet there he was, lying in bed wondering if he had done something wrong to make the man avoid him. Ben didn’t even have his address so it wasn’t like he could just show up and see him.  
  
Ben was left completely in the dark and it felt like torture.  
  
Just when he was finally going to give up and beg one of the nurses to give up any contact information they had, he saw Joe again.  
  
This time he was in a hospital room, lying on the bed while Mr. Lee spoke with him. He had a tube up his nose and something strapped to his chest. He looked miserable. Ben waited until the doctor and nurses were gone before sneaking in.  
  
Joe looked absolutely terrified to see Ben there. His hazel eyed wide and frazzled.  
  
“Bloody hell, what happened to you?” Ben asked, moving in closer to get a better look. “Are you all right?”  
  
“You can’t be in here,” Joe told him sternly. His voice was quiet, but Ben could see he was pushing himself. “You need to leave.”  
  
“Leave? I haven’t seen you in over a week. I was starting to wonder if you were a ghost or something.”  
  
Ben had been so worried. More than he expected to be. He had never been left in the dark before and now he was here, finding his new friend in the hospital, looking pale and weak and tired. It felt a strange feeling in Ben’s stomach.  
  
Ben confessed further how much he had worried, feeling himself twisting the blanket on the bed around in his fingers. He had never been shy before. He never had a reason to be.  
  
He never had to impress any of his friends with his own personality. All he really had to do was wave around his credit card and that was the end of it. But Joe didn’t know Ben before all this. He didn’t know the stuck up rich kid who didn’t give a damn about anyone but himself.  
  
He knew Ben, the young guy who made a big mistake and was just trying to find some normalcy in the aftermath.  
  
Joe looked like he was going to cry by the end of it, but not because of what Ben said, but rather what he had to say.  
  
He began blurting it out, explaining what had happened and why he was there. Why he was always there.  
  
Joe wasn’t some volunteer that came by often, he was a former resident. He has been since he was a child. He used big words that Ben didn’t fully understand but in the end, he made it clear. Joe was born with a bad heart. A shitty ticker. He’s had multiple surgeries throughout his life and was currently on the list for a heart donation.  
  
At the very bottom of a very long list, to be exact.  
  
He had a bit of a fit during the week and had trouble breathing. He stayed in bed with an oxygen tank until finally his mother broke down and brought him here.  
  
Ben took in the entire sight of Joe lying out on the bed. For a slim moment, he thought this was some kind of joke. Tom was messing with him or maybe even Dr. Lee.  
  
But it was real and it was true.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was low and quiet and full of hurt.  
  
Joe just laughed, shaking his head. “Could you blame me?” He asked him. “You acted like being around sick people was torture. I didn’t want to be compared to waterboarding.”  
  
Ben ran his fingers through his hair, turning away from the man. He had never realized how much of an asshole he had been until moments like these. Quiet moments at the hospital where he could just come in and be himself, only to see the true ugliness that lingers deep inside.  
  
“I just wanted to be normal. To hang out and be a regular guy.” Joe continued on. “It was selfish. And I’m sorry.”  
  
“No. Stop that.” Ben shook his head, refusing to allow him to do this. “You don’t owe me anything. This is your life. You weren’t required to tell me a damn thing.”  
  
Ben wouldn’t have thought of Joe any differently. He told himself that repeatedly. Maybe before, back when he was a stuck up bitch who thought to volunteer in a hospital was worse than jail time. But Ben changed from that. He wasn’t that man anymore. He was better. He wanted Joe to know. Needed him to know that.  
  
Joe was quiet for a long moment and Ben mimicked the silence. They went back and forth between exchanging looks between one another before finally, Joe broke it off. “Still wanna be my friend?” He asked. “My heart might be broken by I still got that sweet DVD collection.”  
  
Ben just shook his head, deciding that telling him that DVD’s were slowly going out of style and that Blu-Ray was the way to go and that things like Netflix and movies on demand would put DVD’s out of business soon enough was just too mean.  
  
So instead just laughed and stepped closer, showing no fear. “Hate to break it to you buddy but I am fairly certain you’re my best friend at this point. So bad heart or not, you’re not getting rid of me.”  
  
Maybe it was pathetic. Being in your mid-twenties and having only one friend. Teenage Ben would have rammed his head into a fence if he knew this is what his life would have looked like just a few years later. But adult Ben didn’t give a damn.  
  
Joe smiled at his comment. It was small but real and it made Ben’s heart bloom in ways he hadn’t expected. 


	2. Chapter 2

**_You are the one for me_ **  
**_I am the man for you_ **  
**_You were_ _made for me_ **  
**_You're my ecstasy_ **  
**_If I was given every opportunity_ **  
**_I'd kill for your love_ **

 

Ben had no intentions of being like everybody else in Joe’s life. He wasn’t going to walk on eggshells around him and treat him like he was dying, because he wasn’t. He was sick, that was true, but he was surviving well enough.

Joe was more than his illness and Ben was going to prove that to him. If they were going to hang out and be buds, then Ben wanted to treat Joe the same way he would treat any of his other friends.

Sure, there were some restrictions. Joe couldn’t have caffeine or a lot of sugar. He couldn’t have overly fatty foods and he couldn’t do anything that would make his heart race.

It was strange since that was everything Ben had previously done on a daily basis. He lives wildly and didn’t give a fuck about anything else. He took care of himself, but only for vain reasons. He knew it was selfish, but he could at least admit it now. He was growing up and while it may seem a little bit late (he was in his bloody 20’s after all) it didn’t matter to him.

One step at a time. That was all that mattered.

Ben knew Joe was worried that things would change and there was no denying they would but perhaps they could change for the better. Ben would stop dicking around in the darkness and be aware of what Joe could and couldn’t do.

He didn’t bring him coffee again, but instead a caffeine-free drink that his boss had made on the spot. It wasn’t overly sweet but had a decent flavor to it. A little treat for him to drink as they walked around the hospital.

Joe’s mother was overprotective, but Ben worked around that. He never kept him out late on nights they would hang out and any time he would drop by the Mazzello household he was a perfect gentleman.

It wasn’t long until he realized that aside from his mum and step-dad, Joe was the only number in his contacts that he constantly used. His friends, the people he used to drop hundreds of dollars for, stopped calling him. Stopped trying to have him come out.

And Ben didn’t care in the least. Joe was more than enough company for him and he got along with his employer and coworkers well enough. Some of the people at the hospital warmed up to him well enough. He was no longer the nuisance that was more of a bother than anything. He was a warm face to see in the cold halls.

The kids had warmed up to him as well, though he thanked Joe for that. He gave him the confidence to actually mess around with the kids and have fun without focusing on the reason they were at the hospital, to begin with.

It wasn’t long until Ben began realizing how much of an influence Joe had on him and in more ways than one. There had always been a lingering thought in the back of Ben’s mind, the spark that would light up whenever he saw a handsome face. He never focused on it, always directing himself to beautiful girls with large breast and shitty personalities. Girls he could bury himself in without caring about in any situation.

And now here there was a guy who made his heart beat twice as fast, who always brought a smile onto his face and made him laugh with ease. Finding another man attractive wasn’t something Ben had been against, but also never tried for himself. He just saw no point in it.

He didn’t do relationships. Never have. He slept around and showed off his wealth to any girl who would willingly hang on his arms and make him look good.

And he had Joe who would roll his eyes and call him an idiot, completely unimpressed by the things he had to offer. Ben would stop by Joe’s place of work and spend almost half his weekly paycheck on old books and black and white films. Joe would just shake his head, challenging him to read what he purchased and watch what he bought. It was magical and humbling and Ben never wanted it to stop.

He had tried to wiggle information out of Joe, to find out what he liked if he had ever been with someone before.

He had mentioned a friend in the past who he had met at the hospital. They were both staying there for a week and were put into the same room. They guessed the hospital thought they could bond over their illness and what not. Joe didn’t know, but it was fun and he confessed that he had a bit of a crush on the boy, but he didn’t feel the same.

Eventually, he got out and never came back. He moved on with his life or maybe he died. Joe didn’t know what happened to him and found that he didn’t really care.

“People fear to get close to someone who can disappear in a blink,” he had told him over dinner one night.

Ben didn’t share that fear. “If you can disappear at any moment, shouldn’t you make the best out it?” He suggested.

Joe only shrugged, twirling his fork along the table.

Ben didn’t like seeing him upset. Seeing him feeling down on the dumps. He knew Joe tried to hide from him, especially on the bad days and there were some bad days. There would be days when Joe wouldn’t call him, wouldn’t text him. If Ben showed up at the house, he had his mom pretend that he was asleep or what not.

Eventually Ben had enough and he stormed into the young man’s room demanding that he stop acting like a little bitch. If he wanted to be alone than that was his business, but he could at least give the blond a heads up. Nobody wanted to be left out in the dust.

It was that moment that Ben realized that Joe could see he meant more to him than just friendship. That he utterly, truly cared and didn’t want to be left out in the dark.

It was scary for them both and he knew Joe was holding him at arm's length but Ben was a stubborn bitch and wasn’t going to allow him to do such a thing. Even when they would be out and about, Joe was still being quiet. Still trying to play the standoff game.

Ben snapped once more, demanding to know if he had done something to piss the boy off. Eventually, it seemed it poked a little too hard and Joe finally snapped.

Joe rambled on and on about how Ben should be out living his life and not hanging out with a walking time bomb. That he should be hanging out with the rest of the rich guys, going out to clubs and bars and not walking up and down the street so the sick guy could get some fresh air.

“Maybe I don’t want to go to clubs and bars anymore? MaybeI like walking up and down the street? Maybe I want fresh air too, asshole.” Ben told him, his arms crossing over his chest tightly.

It made Joe laugh in the most bitter of ways. “Who the fuck would want to be around someone like me? I can’t do anything!”

They’ve had this conversation a couple of times before, but Ben always rolled his eyes and ignored it. Not this time, however.

This time Joe was going to listen.

“Oh shut up, Joe! Just shut up!” Ben had never raised his voice to Joe before. Never said such a mean thing but it didn’t matter and at this point, Ben couldn’t stop. “You may see yourself as some broken boy but you’re wrong. You are smart, and clever and funny and strong. And maybe I used to do that sort of shit, but not anymore. I like being around you, Joe. I like spending time with you and taking walks with you. I like you, Joe. More than you realize.”

Joe was shaking his head, refusing to look at him. His eyes were watering like he was on the brink of tears.

Ben moved closer, poking the man in the chest. “You do realize. And you feel it too. But you push me away because you’re afraid to let yourself be selfish. To enjoy something without worry. Well, guess what, Joe! I’m not afraid. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Ben wanted to kiss him and he thought about it too. But he wouldn’t. No, if Joe wanted that then he was going to have to make the first move. Turning on his heel, Ben walked the rest of the way, leaving Joe in his dust.

💔

He waited to see if Joe would make the first move. If he would even bother with it. Ben was completely serious when he said he wouldn’t be walking away from this, but he couldn’t keep making the first move.

Joe was going through something he would never fully understand, but that didn’t mean he could pretend like there wasn’t something going on between them. He couldn’t pretend like there weren’t sparks every time they would brush against one another as they walked. He couldn’t deny how easy it was to talk about things neither wanted to really talk about.

It was almost a week when he finally heard from Joe again. He was at work, lazily cleaning the tables when he saw a familiar face standing outside the painted window. Calling out to Allen that he was taking his break, Ben pulled off his apron and tossed it aside before heading to the front.

Joe stood with his shoulders slumped and his hands pushed into his jacket pockets. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, but Ben kept waiting. He came all this way, surely it would be for nothing.

“I almost died three times.” He said aloud, his arms crossing over his chest. “When I was three. And then nine. The last time was when I was thirteen. They gave me a Make-A-Wish. Everyone thought I would ask to go to Disney, but all I wanted was to meet Steven Spielberg.”

“And did you?”

Joe bobbed his head. “He’s really fucking nice.” He admitted. “I go to the doctor often. Very often. And I have medication that I take more often than that. I hide the pills when you come over. And I shove my emergency air tank under my bed because I don’t want you to see that either.”

“You don’t have to hide from me, Joe.”

“I know,” The brunet muttered, his voice wet and quiet. He was looking around, trying to avoid Ben’s gaze. “I’ve been like this my whole life. Always knowing I’d never have certain things and I was okay with that. Until now.” His paused, his hazel eyes settling on the blond before him. “Until you.”

“What do you want me to say, Joe?”

Ben wasn’t going to apologize for this. Apologize for ruining Joe’s mundane existence. He knew he didn’t offer much to many people. Hell, his own father wanted nothing to do with him, but if anything, the least he could do was challenge Joe to live his life to the fullest.

“I just want you to be aware that this,” He gestured between the two of them. “Isn’t going to be easy. It’s not going to be fun. It may not even work.”

“Are you always this depressing?”

“I need you to know that!” Joe insisted. “I need us to be on the same page that, if we get involved and you want out. If you can’t handle all my baggage then I get it. I understand.”

“Are you prematurely breaking up with me? Before we even go out? Are you mad?”

“I am giving you permission to walk away whenever you want.”

Yes, Joe was in fact mad. Utterly and completely bonkers. Ben didn’t want to listen to this. Didn’t want to have Joe tell him that if they gave it a shot than he was free to walk away. That wasn’t realistic. That wasn’t what being in a relationship was. Ben had never taken any relationship he had serious, but even he knew that true couples fought for their partner. They didn’t run away with things got too hard.

“I don’t walk away from things, Joe. That’s not who I am.”

He wasn’t like his father, who didn’t fight for his marriage and allowed his wife to get swept away by another man. He wasn’t like the friends he thought he had who didn’t bother to call him because he couldn’t pay the tab any longer.

Ben wasn’t much, but he was more than that.

“If this happens, it’s happening for real. No running or giving up. If it ends, it’s on good terms and not because you were sick was too much for me to handle.”

“You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.” Joe pressed quietly, his eyes closing. “I’m going to die, Ben.”

Ben sighed, shaking his head. “I’m going back inside.” He muttered.

Joe reached out, taking him by the arm. Ben paused, looking back to the brunet. “Neither of us asked for this. We could have just ignored it.”

“No. We couldn’t.”

Couldn’t. Shouldn’t. They had their own lives to live and whether Joe wanted to admit it or not they deserved to confront their feelings and accept that they cared for one another.

Ben stepped closer, pushing through Joe’s personal space. “Say you want me.” He whispered quietly.

Joe was looking around, avoiding his gaze. People were walking around them, trying to pass but Ben didn’t care. “You know I do.”

“Then say it. Out loud for the world to hear.”

For Joe to hear. For him to say it aloud and realize that it was real.

Joe breathed slowly through his nose, finally meeting Ben’s eyes again. “I want you.” He confessed at last.

“Then do something about it.” Ben challenged.

Joe paused, watching him for what felt like a lifetime. Ben stood there, waiting for Joe to make the move. After a moment, he gave up and turned to go back inside. They would continue this on another day, allowing Joe to have the chance to think about what he truly, deeply wanted.

Turned out he didn’t have to think that long. Joe stepped in Ben’s way, cutting him off before he could enter the cafe. Lifting his hand, he cupped the back to Ben’s head and pulled him in for a smothering kiss.

He could feel everything Joe was putting into it. All the effort and energy. He wanted to prove himself. Prove to the blond man just how much he wanted this; just how much he wanted him.

After a beat, Ben adjusted the kiss, softening it only slightly as he brought his hand up to cradle his cheek. He held his face gently even as they parted. Their smiles were mirroring and they only broke apart when Allen appeared in the window, slamming a handwritten message against the glass.

**_ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!!_ **

Ben rolled his eyes, flipping the man off and cutting off Joe’s laugh with another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how are we feeling? Still liking it?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme just say that I have no idea how medical things work. My brother is a nurse and when i asked him a question he told me to stop being a freak and ended the call
> 
> Therefore, if this doesn't add up, I'm incredibly sorry.

__**So take a chance with me  
Let me romance with you  
I'm caught in a dream  
And my dream's come true  
So hard to believe  
This is happening to me   
Amazing feeling  
Comin' through **

 

It was after that their relationship took off. They would hold hands when they walked down the street or in the halls of the hospital. They’d greet one another with either a kiss on the lips or cheek. Some of the kids giggled at them when they would peep through the glass to spy on them but he didn’t mind much. Ben wasn’t worried about sharing some PDA.

He had kissed countless of lasses outside clubs and inside bars. Girls whose names had escaped him or maybe he didn’t even bother to learn. He wanted to kiss Joe; out in the open for the entire world to see.

He had never been a boyfriend before but he thought he was doing a pretty decent job of it. He took Joe out on real dates. They’d go to dinner or to a movie. They went bowling once to a place that turned the lights down and everything was neon. Joe had oddly enough dragged him to a karaoke night and while they were both stupidly nervous they got over the feeling and sang their lungs out.

They had their fun but Ben always made sure to keep it romantic. He had set up a surprise dinner on the roof of the hospital, the place they used to go to hide away from the rest of the world. It was sweet and fun and he even snuck in a little pocket speaker so they could dance slowly to the music playing on his phone.

It left Joe blushing and Ben smiling. He had never done anything like this before, but it went off with flying colors.

Ben had been properly introduced to Joe’s family; not just as a friend or someone from the hospital but as a boyfriend. Joe’s family was esthetic to see him doing something so out of his comfort zone. Joe’s mother had admitted to Ben one night that she was guilty of sheltering her son and she thanked him for changing that.

He brought Joe over to have dinner with his mum and stepdad and while his mother was thrown for a loop at seeing another man instead of a woman she welcomed him with open arms.

Tom wasn’t fazed in the least and spoke to Joe about baseball and whatever was going on with the teams at this point. Ben didn’t understand a lick of it but he liked hearing Joe speak of the sport. He was so involved and invested and it made Ben’s heart soar whenever the conversation would come up.

They had gotten physical but only to a degree. Joe was open about the fact that he was a virgin and while Ben could see he was beating himself up over it, the blond insisted that it didn’t matter to him.

For so long sex had been the only thing that mattered. It was the one true goal for him and Ben didn’t want to be that guy anymore. He was more than content with just sitting in the couch, wrapped in one another’s arms while Singin In The Rain played in his screen.

The issue was Joe wasn’t content. He wanted more. They had a few makeout sessions that ended up pretty hot and heavy but Joe had to pull away due to not being able to fully breathe. They had joked about how Ben was always taking his breath away but it wasn’t a laughing matter and Ben knew that.

Eventually, Joe had enough and went to the hospital. Ben was by his side as they spoke to Dr. Lee. At this point Joe called him by his first name, having seen him so often. The conversation started off lite and casual before finally the brunet just snapped.

“I want to have sex! Okay? I want to fuck my boyfriend without worrying that my heart will stop mid orgasm so can we do something about that please?”

Both Gwilym and Ben were left red in the face. The doctor was gracious though and took it seriously. They had made suggestions and comments here and there and it seemed that setting in a pacemaker was the best course of action.

They had suggested their early on in his life but due to his heart failing time and time again it just didn’t seem worth it. Joe had done years without issue and now it seemed like the best time to take the chance.

The only issue was the cost of it all. Joe had decent insurance but on something like this, there would be no simple copay. It would have to be out of pocket. Ben had wanted to make the easy suggestion but he knew Joe would shut it down without even trying to listen.

So Ben did the next best thing and went to Tom. The man was kind and heard him out and while Ben kept promising that they would pay him back the older man wouldn’t hear it. He paid for it all, meddling with the books to make it seem as if the hospital itself waved the fee and such.

Joe’s family was pleased and Joe was ready for the next part of his life to begin. He had many surgeries in his life so he didn’t fear another one. He had gotten used to living life under the knife so he didn’t worry when the time came.

Ben did however and the blond spent the entire time pacing back and forth in the waiting area. He was more of a wreck than Joe’s own mother was. Gwilym has done the surgery himself and was quite proud when he came out to tell everybody that it was a success.

Joe had a bit of recovery time but he was eager to give it a go. He was shy about his body prior to surgery since he was covered in scars of his last attempts to survive. Now there was a large item inside of him with a very noticeable outline. He felt ugly and shy but Ben refused to see him as anything other than beautiful.

Joe would roll his eyes whenever Ben would compliment him. He never took it seriously. Joe didn’t see himself in decent light. To Joe, he was just some homosexual kid who was slowly dying and didn’t deserve the time of day.

To Ben he was everything. Beautiful and funny and so god damn thickheaded. There were times when they would go back and forth between being utterly and completely smitten with one another and then a moment later, Joe was being silent and Ben was demanding to know how he got so fucking stubborn.

It wasn’t healthy, but they were happy. Ben was happy at least. And he was determined to make Joe happy as well.

Sex wasn’t anything new to the blond, even if his partner was his own gender this time around. He knew how to pleasure his partner and he was an eager lover. They took it slow, maybe a bit slower than Joe liked because he was always trying to go further, always wanting to push the limit.

Even with the pacemaker, they still didn’t know what was off limits, but Gwilym had given them the go, telling Joe to find his own pace and find that worked.

Ben wondered if it killed Gwilym to know that the same kid that he had worked on since he was a dorky teenager was trying so very hard to have sex with his boyfriend.

Ben was fine with waiting and it surprised him. Gone were the days when all he wanted to do was take a good looking person home and have their way with them. To hear his name cried over and over again as he pushed them to nirvana.

Joe cried his name too but in different ways. When he would whine and get annoyed when Ben would compliment him. When he would laugh at something sweet he was saying or even the quiet, breathy moan when Ben would suck at his neck.

Joe’s skin was so soft and easily marked. He was left with hickeys on his neck and chest; places that Ben has kissed and bitten and sucked.

When they finally did have sex, it was wonderful. For once, it was Ben who was blushing. They had worked their way up, with heavy petting and kissing to the point where even the blond had trouble breathing right.

Ben was on top the first time, only by Joe’s request. He knew what to do and Joe wanted someone to actually lead the way properly. They took their time, working their way up to it. When it happened it was wonderful. Sex had always been about his own selfish pleasure, but this time around Ben was in heaven.

He had never felt like this before and all he wanted to do was stay right there, on the bed, inside of Joe, kissing him endlessly. When they finished, Joe’s name left his lips like the warmest, most welcoming prayer he could say. And Ben was not a religious man.

They waited a few hours before trying again and the second time around was even better. Joe was beginning to fully enjoy it and while Ben was guilty of keeping watch and making sure neither went too hard or too fast, he found himself getting lost in the other man.

They spent the night in one another arms, wrapped around one another without a single stitch of clothing between them. He was happy and Ben was certain Joe was too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna hear those thoughts people!!!!


	4. Chapter 4

_**I was born to love you** _   
_**With every single beat of my heart** _   
_**Yes, I was born to take care of you, honey** _   
_**Every single day of my life** _

 

Except he wasn’t. Joe wasn’t happy and despite everything Ben was doing for him, it wasn’t enough. The blond tried to break through to him, tried to be there for him but the lingering darkness that hung above them wasn’t going anywhere. The more the days went on, the harder it got for Joe to live his life.

His heart wasn’t healing. Not in the least. It was getting worse and worse and even with the pacemaker, things still weren’t looking good. They had decent days. Days when it seemed like everything was going to be okay.

Joe didn’t have any pain and didn’t feel a thing. They would walk down the street and hold hands and kiss without care. They were normal and life was okay.

And then there were days that were scary. When Joe would be sitting on the floor of his bedroom, using his air tank as he tried to keep himself from breaking down. Ben was by his side, reminding him to count.

His dad had taught him to count slowly or sing the alphabet to calm his heart. They would do it together when Joe was just a kid. His dad was gone down, having died of his very own illness. It was one of the things that Joe held close, knowing that even if he did die, he’d at least be with his father again.

Ben didn’t want to hear about it. In fact, he downright refused to talk about it. People like Joe didn’t just up and die. They had too much to offer the world.

Whether Joe wanted to admit it or not, he was talented. His writing was phenomenal and while he didn’t use his camera often, Ben had seen some of the things he had taken. He spoke scarcely about his dream of being a director, of bringing his thoughts into reality on paper and film.

Ben had promised him once that he would take him to California but Joe never took it seriously. He couldn’t fly and taking a twelve to fourteen-hour car ride wasn’t worth it. Joe was content with existing in their own little space, but Ben wanted more for him.

He pushed Joe to write more and while the young man agreed, it caused more trouble than ever. Joe didn’t see the point in creating anything when it was all going to die with him when the time came.

Ben had eventually snapped, refusing to accept that fate. Joe snapped right back at him. It was their first fight since they began seeing one another and it was worse than anything they had ever done.

Joe was crying and screaming, trying to get Ben to understand that this wasn’t something that would fix itself. He wasn’t getting a new heart. He wasn’t going to suddenly be on top of the list for transplants. Any minute his heart would stop and that would be it.

Ben had tried to argue with him, saying that he had the money to change that, but Joe refused. He wasn’t going to allow Ben to just pay their way to cut the line. They fought endlessly over it. Ben had no problem showing off his privilege if it meant helping Joe get better.

They had been at this for weeks. Growing closer to one another but that man, his love, continued to build a wall around them. Around himself. It didn’t matter though. Ben was at the ready, sledgehammer in hand and ready to take down the whole ducking wall, one brick at a time.

Ben tried to find a middle ground for them both. Something that would allow Ben to use his connections and his cash and also help Joe without the other man feels like he was taking something away from somebody else.

The result? A service dog.

Joe had mentioned it a time or two, how he always wanted one when he was a kid but it just wasn’t in their budget. Service dogs weren’t pets, but rather trained professionals and were meant to be treated as such. Joe wanted to have an animal he could cuddle with while also making sure his heart was still beating.

His parents weren’t too keen on the idea, so they passed on the possibility. As Joe got older, he realized how unrealistic it was anyway. He confessed that he didn’t like the idea of having a pet, but Ben refused to believe that. He felt like Joe was making excuses, the same way he would when he said he never wanted to be in a relationship.

He didn’t like taking the chance of getting hurt. Of breaking apart. Of losing more than he already was.

Before he had minimal connections. He already lost his father and he was ready to say goodbye to his mom. Now he had Ben and other friends. He was close to the staff at the hospital. He had gotten to know Allen quite well and they went out often. Ben was trying to give him a real life to live and now he had given him a real pet.

He searched far and wide, actually put a decent amount of effort in finding the right animal. He didn’t want some cold creature that would only be good for one purpose. He wanted a pet. A small, furry baby that he and Joe could dote upon. So he found one with a special purpose.

The adorable little beagle that failed almost all the classifications to be a service dog, except for one. She had exceptional hearing and could focus in on a heartbeat. Ben knew it took a lot of time and effort to get a service dog, but this little dog was more than that.

She was going to be a member of the family. She was going to be their faux baby. He paid a good amount for her, due to her being a purebred but he was ready to spend even more on little gifts for her, but he’d wait for Joe for that.

Ben had begged and begged and basically got on his knees to persuade Joe to move in with him. It was a hard choice since he didn’t like leaving his mom alone, but he was a grown man and they both had needs. Whether it was sexual or not, they wanted to be around one another.

Now that they had been living together, it was more of a reason to get a pet. To finally make his loft feel like a home.

Joe was lying on the couch, sleeping comfortably when Ben arrived. He moved quickly, going to place the medium sized animal on his boyfriend’s lap as he passed to go into the kitchen. The pup whimpered, moving carefully up Joe’s body to get attention.

Joe woke up slowly, and Ben watched as he became more alert as the puppy licked at his face. “Oh. Hello.” He muttered, causing the blond to chuckle from behind the island. “Benny? Why is there a bagel on me?” He asked, his voice slurred from sleep.

“I think you mean beagle, love.”

“Ben,” His voice was clearer this time around. He watched as the brunet stood up, puppy in his arms as he walked over. His eyes were trained on him now, only slightly narrowed. “What did you do?”

“Oh her? Isn’t she precious?” Ben reached out, scratching the place between her ears. “You kept commenting on how cold this place felt and I thought having a pet would make it a bit warmer. More welcoming.”

“How much?”

“Hmm?”

“You didn’t find her at a shelter, so how much did you pay for her?”

Ben put his glass down, his arms crossing. “Before you get too upset, I didn’t spend that much. Yes, she has certification. Sort of. She can sense heartbeats or I guess lack thereof. The goal is for her to sense if something is off before anything bad happens.”

“Ben,” Joe groaned, turning around so they weren’t facing. Ben had noticed Joe did this often. He would look away during some arguments because he knew if he looked the man in the eye he would let him win.

Ben didn’t want to win that way. He didn’t want to win at all. There were no winners and losers in a relationship. Just two people doing their absolute best.

“She failed most of her classes! Nobody wanted to adopt her, Joe. Isn’t that depressing?” Ben told him. “I got her for a low price. Lower than she would have been. There was no registering or anything of the sort. She’s our puppy, Joe. Our little girl. Isn’t that fun?”

“You can’t just…go out and get a puppy! You can’t be this spontaneous.”

“If I had asked you and you had said no, then it would have been the end of the conversation.”

“Yeah, that’s usually how it works.”

Joe was sitting on the couch, the puppy sitting on his lap. Ben followed him into the sitting room and plopped down beside him on the couch. “I won’t apologize for this.” He told him. “This is something you have always wanted. Something I have wanted too. And now we both have it. Can’t we just be happy?”

“Because,” Joe told him, his voice was tight. “Look, I know you aren’t used to this. Neither of us is used to this. Being…together. But things like this, they have to be discussed. We can’t just…get a dog, it’s a big step.”

“And I thought we agreed to live on the edge a little?”

They had spoken of it. On and off, during the night when they were together in bed. Joe was such a pessimist that it got to the point where Ben had nearly left one night. Not forever, but for a little while. He wasn’t one to walk away, but he needed to be out of the situation. He was almost to the door when Joe came out of the room, shaking like a leaf.

They agreed right then and there, they were going to work on everything. They were going to take more risk and enjoy being a couple. They weren’t going to worry every second of the day. Joe longed to be normal, so this would be their normal.

“But a dog?” The way Joe said it made Ben feel like he had done something wrong when he didn’t. And he refused to believe that.

“Yes, a dog! A dog that is fun. A dog is normal. Regular people have dogs. And while this may not be a regular dog, it’s as close as we are going to get.”

Reaching forward, Ben took the puppy from his arms and held her out. “Look at this baby right here. Look at her. Are you looking?”

“Yes! Christ, I am looking at her.”

“This is our world now. And maybe someday, we’ll have a real human to spoil. For now,” ben reached forward, pressing the puppy’s nose was against Joe’s face. With a small whine, she began licking at him. “She loves her daddy.”

“So I’m her daddy?”

“You can be mine too,” Ben whispered. His tone low and teasing.

Joe rolled his eyes but took the puppy regardless. “I don’t like you sometimes.”

“No, but you love me all the time.”

It was a slow confession. One that they only shared in the darkness of the night. When Joe felt invincible. Joe smiled for the first time since he came home, though he pressed his lips to the puppy’s head, holding her close.

“Yeah yeah,” He mumbled.

“You know. I didn’t buy anything for her. How about we go on a little shopping spree?” Ben offered. “I’ll let you use my debit card,”

Joe lifted his hand, pushing Ben’s face away. It would have seen as a cruel gesture, but Ben wasn’t phased in the least. They went out and bought their puppy everything. Toys and food and a bed though Joe was very certain she’d sleep with them.

They named her Frankie and she was his favorite thing in the world. And they were content for the next few weeks. She did what she was trained to do and even more than that. Ben had no idea how wonderful an animal like this could be.

She sensed when Joe was going to have an attack. And she was there for him when he did. She’d lay with him and bring him to a smooth calm. Ben was thankful and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
> 
> Please gift me with your comments!!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**_I wanna love you_ **

**_I love every little thing about you_ **

**_I wanna love you, love you, love you_ **

**_Born - to love you_ **

 

Having a service dog was enough for them for the time being, but Ben still wanted more. He wanted Joe to have the best treatment humanly possible. Even if it meant going against his wishes and using his money to get places.

He had spoken to Tom about it, about getting Joe under Tom’s insurance but the older man was reluctant. Not because he didn’t want to help, but rather it was more paperwork than anything. Legal issues. Ben was different. Legally, Tom was his stepfather and had a bit of relationship with him. Joe wasn’t anybody to Tom, making it harder for the insurance company to take him on.

However, there were ways around that. To beat the system. It wasn’t like Tom could just adopt Joe or anything of the sort but if there was another way they’d be legally binding to one another. Say he become his step-son-in-law, things would be different.

Ben didn’t even think twice about it. Marriage wasn’t going that ever crossed his mind. His parent's marriage crumbled without an attempt to fix it and while his mum and Tom were happy, Ben refused to accept them as role models.

He knew good marriages existed, he just never saw himself in one when he looked to the future. All of that had changed however after he met Joe.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months. It was a year to the day they met that Ben decided to throw caution to the wind.

He took Joe to the hospital, up onto the roof. It was their quiet place and the only place he could imagine ever doing this.

“I never imagined meeting someone like you,” Ben had confessed to him. “You have completely flipped my life upside town, Joe. Before I met you I was . . . nothing. Some trust fund bastard who used those around him to get by. I never cared for anybody other than myself. And then I met you. Someone so utterly stubborn who calls me out on my garbage and puts me in my place.”

“Ben, why are you saying all this?” Joe asked cautiously.

He wasn’t smiling or blushing. He wasn’t confused, but rather concerned. Leave it to Ben to feel joyful and bashful at the idea of proposing and leave Joe to see right through it all.

“I’m saying this because you’ve made me the happiest man on the planet, and because of that, I want to ask you a question.”

Ben moved back to get down onto one knee, but Joe stopped him. “Ben! Ben, no. No, no. Whatever you’re going to ask — don’t.”

“Don’t? You don’t even know what it is.”

“I’m not stupid or blind. You have seen my film collection. Do you know how many proposals I’ve wanted in my lifetime?”

He was annoyed and it caught Ben off guard. Weren’t people supposed to be happy when their significant others popped the question?”

“You said you understood that when we started this,” Joe told him, pacing swiftly on the rooftop. “You promised me!”

“What does that have to do with me proposing?”

“Everything!”

It wasn’t rare for them to have this argument. They had avoided it for a while now, thanks to Frankie, but Ben knew their pure happiness wouldn’t last. Not when Joe was like this. Stubborn and hateful and angry.

“Why?” Ben asked him, his voice low. He was flexing his fingers, itching to punch something. He was too tired of it all. Of the fighting, of Joe refusing to just throw caution to the wind and do what he really wanted without having to worry about his heart. “Why can’t you just do what I want for once?”

“And this is what you want? To marry me?”

Ben spun around, throwing his arms down in frustration. “YES!”

“WHY?” It was a straight-up demand. Angry and shattered, with tears running down his face. “Why would you want to marry me?”

“Why?” Ben mimicked. “Are you  _joking_? Why would I want to marry you?”

Ben had dozens of reasons he could list. Joe was funny and clever and wonderful. He made Ben feel so many different things. Joy, and wonderful, and anger, and worry. Ben didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone else until Joe came along. He taught him so much about himself and the world around him.

Even when he finished with their court-ordered community service, he still went to the hospital. Still put in the effort to make those kids smile day chance he got. He kept up his job at the cafe even after his mother had Tom reinstate his credit cards and a monthly allowance.

He was a grown adult and he didn’t want to be taken care of. Instead, he wanted to take care of someone else. He wanted to take care of Joe. In every way, he possibly could.

He hadn’t suggested it early mostly due to his own self-loathing. They had only been together for a few months, barely a year and each day was better than the next, even with their bad times.

Ben didn’t think of marriage because he never thought of it as an option for him. He wasn’t boyfriend material, so what the hell made him worthy of being a husband?

But the truth was Ben knew he was a good boyfriend to Joe. He cared about him more than he could put into words. He wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. And if getting married also helped medically, then that was just another added reason.

No way in hell was it the only reason.

Moving closer, Ben took Joe’s face in his hands. He forced him to look forward, to keep his eye contact despite the tears slipping down both their faces.

“I want to marry you because I love you. Because I want to take care of you. I want us to have a future Joe. I want to for us.”

“I can’t offer you anything.”

“You’ve already given me enough!” Ben muttered heavily. They had a life together. A home. Frankie. What more could Ben need? “I love you and I will always love you. You are not broken. But I can’t do this anymore. You have pushed me away again and again, and if that is what you want, then fine.”

He released Joe from his hold, backing away from him slowly. He wanted Joe to reach out and grab him, to pull him back in so they could kiss and embrace and pretend this fight never happened, but he wouldn’t.

Joe made his decision. He made his choice.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” Joe muttered.

They weren’t supposed to meet. They weren’t supposed to fall in love. Joe was content with the hand he had been given. He was ready to go whenever the universe was ready to take him, but things changed now. Now he had something to live for.

“It did happen. And now the choice is yours.”

Ben knew he would never stop fighting for this, for them, but for how much longer did he have to scream into the void.

When Ben left, he didn’t know if he would ever hear from Joe again. He spent the night thinking that it was over between them and Joe was going to go back to his life before Ben came into it. Staying locked away in his bedroom without any plans for the future.

Instead, he found Joe sitting on the stoop of their loft. His eyes were red from crying and he was sitting with his chin on his knees, his arms wrapped around his leg. Ben didn’t know how long he had been there waiting.

“I’m never going to love myself the way you love me. I’m never going to think I am good enough. For you or this life, you want us to have.” Joe told him quietly as he pushed to stand up. “But I love you. And I want to be selfish for once.”

He knelt to the ground, reaching up to take Ben’s hand. “Are you joking? Are you seriously going to steal my thunder?”

“In my defense, you didn’t kneel when you asked,” Joe told him.

Ben rolled his eyes, holding onto Joe’s hand. “You wouldn’t even let me! You kept cutting me off.”

“Well, now I am down here. It’s a nice view.” He lowered his gaze to Ben’s waist. The blond rolled his eyes once more, tugging the brunet to stand again.

“Bloody pain in my ass, you know that?” He muttered, swooping in to kiss Joe relentlessly.

They got married a week later. His mum was a little sad that they didn’t have a huge party or celebration, but Ben didn’t care in the least. All that mattered was that they were moving forward. Their suits of choice were dashing and they invited all the people closest to them. They skipped the usual wedding march and chose to go with the Elvis original. It had been used before, but it fits them perfectly. Falling in love couldn’t be helped, especially for them.

Frankie was their flower girl, with a little flower headband and a basket of daisy’s in her mouth as she padded over. They stood before one another, saying their promises.

Ben was quick to remove the whole “til death do us part” section and instead replaced it with the unique little twist:  _for as long as our love shall last_.

It was perfect for them. Their rings weren’t anything flashy or showy, but Ben loved them endlessly. Joe had picked them out, having found them in a store close to the hospital. When they slid them on and kissed in front of everyone Ben didn’t hold back. He kissed his husband with all the love and passion a newly wedded man could muster.

They danced in front of everybody but that didn’t matter. When they looked in each other's eyes it felt like they were the only ones in the room.

Ben had chosen the song for their first dance. A sweet little acoustic that made Joe blush and smile. They danced with their mothers and pulled dear Tom into the mix. They shoved cake into one another faces and just had a good time.

Ben took them to California for a week, specifically to Universal Studios. Joe was in absolute heaven and Ben knew this was a good place for them to be. A good place for Joe to be.

Joe kept on writing and Ben stood by him, wanting him to do everything he dreamed of. Over time, Ben found that Joe had stopped being such a cynic and slowly started acting like a regular guy with dreams and things he wanted to pursue. It wouldn’t be easy, but Ben was determined to stand by his name and make all his wildest imaginations come true.

Tom was right when he said that by marrying Joe, the brunet would be able to go under his insurance. A whole new world of possibilities opened up. New doctors. New ideas. Money controlled everything and Ben was proud of that. He wasn’t going to shy away from his wealth.

For his wedding gift, he bought Joe a bass guitar, something he always wanted to learn to play. Joe normally hated when Ben would show off his money and flood him with all different gifts, but he was happy to accept this one. His husband was a natural at it and Ben found himself happier than ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Ben/Joe walked down the aisle to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSkHIv7GhOM
> 
> The song they danced to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPyQfiIXCaY
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's very sweet and romantic, but I will warn you, that stuff ends now. There will be any more fun after this. The pain train is a-coming and Queen is on top of it singing their hearts out!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first, you may want to check the tags because they have been updated due to this chapter. 
> 
> This has been the plan all along. From the very beginning. The whole point of this story came because of what happens in the end. That tiny idea sparked this completely insane story. I have tried to write/rewrite this chapter, again and again, to make it perfect. I don't think it is, but none of us are. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it.

**_Yes I was born to love you  
Born - to love you_ **  
_**Born - to love you**_  
 _ **Every single day - day of my life**_

But not all happiness could last.

It didn't matter how much money you had sometimes. While it was big and filled with so much joy and love, Joe's heart was failing more often than not. Ben did everything he could to get them on the right track, but it never mattered.

They barely got to spend time in their home before Joe was brought back to the hospital. Ben stayed with him every chance he had, calling out of work to stay with him. They would read and sit together, watching tv. Ben brought Joe's bass in and he'd play for him. He only knew a few chords, but it didn't matter. He'd sit and sing to him, even though he couldn't sing either. Joe didn't mind though. The effort was enough.

Ben knew Joe hated this. Hated him seeing him as this and Ben hated it too but it didn't matter. They were in this together.

He stepped out after a moment, wanting to take a breath or smoke a cigarette. He hadn't smoked in a long time. He quit just days after finding out what was going on with Joe. He didn't want that influence around him. Didn't want to smell like smoke and make him feel worse.

He needed it now. Needed to let go a little bit. Gwilym joined him on the roof and they sat together talking. They had an odd friendship with the two. Strange respect that grew thanks to the care they shared for Joe.

Gwilym didn't smoke, but he shared the cigarette, needing to feel something other than his own anguish.

Gwilym hated moments like these. When you knew there was nothing in your power that could fix a patient. Gwilym told him he would try, that he would fight but in the end, they as mortal men could only do so much.

They had returned to their home a few days later but it didn't get better. Joe was putting up fights, wasn't eating. He didn't want to be at the hospital but he didn't want to be home either. He didn't want to look at the scripts he had put together, at the pictures he had taken. He didn't want reminders of things that would never be. To see a future that would never happen.

Eventually, it got to the point where he didn't argue with Ben. They didn't scream at one another because he knew this was bound to happen. He knew it from the very fucking start. He would eat when Ben asked him to eat and sleep when Ben asked him to sleep. He would skirt around, just living day to day because he knew what was happening.

They would sit together and Ben would just hold him. Whether he was holding his whole body or just his hand, he never let his husband go.

Some nights they would just sit together, talking and breathing slowly. It helped for the most part, but it was never enough. Ben tried to keep things normal, tried to remind Joe that it would be all right.

Joe had to quit his job at the book store and while it bothered him, he never spoke of it. Ben tried to get his mind off it. He'd have Frankie run around and do tricks, he'd persuade Joe to write more, but it wasn't enough.

Ben didn't think anything would be enough.

Joe broke down one night. It was their anniversary; they had only been married for three months, but it was still worth celebrating. Ben cooked for them and they sat around the loft, eating and relaxing.

The blond had been speaking about something. He didn't even remember what it was, but he turned around to see Joe shaking on the bed, his face hidden in his hands. It was sudden and caught Ben off guard.

He was crying, damn near weeping, but he insisted it was from happiness. Tears of joy because he had gotten to have a little bit of excitement in his life. And he was angry that he had to let it all go but he was glad to have had the chance nonetheless.

He made Ben promise things that he didn't want to promise. Ben didn't want to think about what would happen if they went to sleep and Joe didn't wake up. He didn't want to move on as Joe asked him to.

How could he move on when his entire world was crumbling around him?

Eventually, it got to be too much and they went back to the hospital. Ben paid for everything. Or really Tom did. The older man didn't blink an eye at the cost. To Tom, Joe was family. Private rooms, the best doctors in the world. He was ready to fly Joe anywhere he needed to go to get the treatment. Fuck Ben take him down to Mexico and get a black market transplant if it was possible, but his husband refused.

How Joe could deny him such a thing was the curliest gesture. They both wanted him to get better, but there was no way around it. Joe wouldn't skip the line. He wouldn't be selfish. Ben loved and hated him for that alone.

Ben stayed at the hospital with him, going in and out of the room only when Joe's mom wanted to be alone with him. His own mother came and went, unable to handle the sight of it. She rushed off, tissues in hand as she wept. Tom and Ben were left to their own accord and Tom clapped Ben on the back, telling him to call him if anything happened.

"Tom?" Ben called after him. "I know you and me...We haven't had the best...I wasn't the best son to you." He began carefully. "I just wanted to say that I was sorry. For everything. How I acted. What I did. You deserved better than that."

"There is not better than you, Ben," Tom told him softly.

They both knew better though. The best thing that had ever happened to Ben was lying in that hospital bed and it didn't matter how much money the man had. There was no paying to get out of this.

Tom stepped forward, wrapping his arms around the man. "I love you, Ben,"

"I know," Ben muttered. "I love you too dad,"

It was the first time he had ever called him that, but it was exactly what Tom was. Through marriage or not, Tom raised him into the man he was today and he would forever be grateful.

After Tom left, Ben was alone. He looked through the door, watching as Joe slept on.

Ben didn't want to accept it but his husband was ready. Joe was ready to close his eyes one last time and drift off to a place where his heart was no longer an issue.

Ben, however, wasn't.

And he downright refused to allow Joe, the light of his life, to give up.

It had been an ongoing thought for some time now. Ben contemplating all the things that had changed since Joe came into his life. He changed him for the better. Joe had been there when he needed him to be and Ben tried to do the same.

Ben contacted his father because of Joe. It took a couple of times but eventually, he got him on the phone. It was a long, heavy conversation but it was one that needed to be had. He missed his father and didn't want to carry on with all the stress and anger. And no matter how things turned out, he wanted his father to know that he was happy and that he loved him.

His dad said it back and Ben knew he meant it.

And when he said it to Joe, he meant it too.

He would say it a million times over and he always meant it.

And when he said he would take care of him and give him a future, he meant that too.

Ben had always been a reckless man and sometimes he didn't make good decisions. But sometimes those wild, angry thoughts could turn into the best possibilities. Running his car into a police vehicle should have been a life sentence for him, but it led him to the best life he could have ever imagined.

And making the choices he was making now would lead Joe to the best life he could ever imagine.

He didn't want to say goodbye and he wouldn't. Joe was attached to the machines with his mother by his side. Frankie was sleeping on top of Joe, patiently and content. He gave her a few gentle pets in the ears, kissing her head softly. He whispered to him as he slept and told him how much he loved him and how he would miss him. He kissed his head and slipped out the door, heading back out to his car.

He sat in the driver's seat, his fingers on the wheel. Gwilym's phone rang twice before he finally picked up. "Are you still at the hospital?"

Ben knew he was. He had seen him there and made sure that he did this on a day when Gwilym would be present. That he would be ready.

"Would you do me a favor?"

Ben was sure Gwilym thought it would be something mundane. Something simple. And to Ben, it would be.

"Would you come downstairs? Outside to the parking lot." Gwilym agreed and he could hear the ding of the elevator. "You promised to save him, remember? Promised to do everything in your power?"

Gwilym answered though he seemed confused.

"I did the research. Late at night when I should have been asleep. I'm tired now, but that doesn't matter."

He did his research while in bed with his boyfriend, while in bed with his husband. Joe always slept better when they were laying together, with his head on Ben's chest. Joe liked to listen to Ben's heartbeat.

Ben would make sure it was a sound Joe could always listen to.

Gwilym's voice was muffled but Ben heard him well enough. He didn't understand, but that didn't matter.

He would soon enough.

"I was nervous when I came to America. It was so different from the rest of the world. Everything was loud and scary and big and angry. But I adapted. I ate terrible food and danced with skinny girls. And I drank the shitty American beer. And I bought a gun."

It was small and silver. He never used it before, but he liked knowing he had it. Liked knowing he had the protection.

He had it now. Locked and loaded and ready to go.

"I never really liked myself, you know? I was an arrogant prick, but Joe changed that. He changed a lot. And I'm...I'm really going to miss him."

Ben was crying now but he was okay with that. He heard Gwilym speaking to him, understanding what was going on. He was running faster now. Trying to get to Ben, to stop him.

There was no stopping him.

There was no turning back for Ben. He knew, deep down inside him, that this was what he was meant to do. His heart had always belonged to Joe and at this moment, Ben was going to secure that notion.

"Let him know that, eh Gwil?" He asked him, ending the call.

Ben got out of the car, not wanting to ruin it. After all, it would eventually be Joe's. When he died, everything could go to his husband.

 _Everything_.

Ben stood out in front of the parking lot, watching the doors of the hospital. When he saw Gwilym emerge, he had security with him. He should have brought nurses.

Gwilym ran towards him, but it didn't matter. Ben had no regrets. No second thoughts.

"See you soon beautiful," Ben muttered quietly, closing his eyes. When he pressed the gun to his temple, it felt sweeter than any kiss.

And when he pulled the trigger the only thought in his head, the only face he saw, was Joe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Should I apologize?
> 
> I know nothing about transplants or how they work, so don't @ me if this makes no sense. 
> 
> Two more chapters and then we're finished here.
> 
> PS, if you check out the lyrics to I Was Born To Love You, you'd see just how well they actually fit the mood.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys . . . so. 
> 
> Sorry I killed him. 
> 
> Again, this was the plan from the beginning and while I do feel bad for not adding the tag until the chapter was posted, I did it as a conscious choice as the author to want to keep the element of surprise. I am very sorry if any of you were caught way off guard or triggered by what happened. I hope you listened to my warning at the beginning and weren't too affected by it. 
> 
> With that being said, please carry on.

 

__**I was born to love you  
With every single beat of my heart  
Yes, I was born to take care of you  
Every single day of my life**

The surgery was a success. Gwilym was pleased with his work even if it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. When he first met Ben Hardy, he was a pompous asshole who should have sat in a jail cell, not volunteering in a hospital.

When he got involved with Joseph Mazzello, Gwilym expected nothing but heartache and he wasn’t wrong. He was a sweet lad who was dealt a bad hand and Gwilym didn’t like the idea of some pretty boy who avoided jail time because of his rich family coming in and messing with his head and his heart.

But it didn’t go the way Gwilym expected. The way anybody expected really. Ben gave Joe everything he could to make him happy. More than any normal person should ever give.

Gwilym has spoken to Ben personally before it all went to hell. It was during a time when Joe’s pacemaker was on the fritz. Prior to their marriage, though you would never know. Ben was barred from visiting due to not being family but Gwilym snuck him in. He knew better. He had his alone time with Joe and later that not the doctor found Ben on the roof.

He was smoking and while Gwilym knew it was horrible he took the drag that was offered. They got to talking about who was put on this earth and for what reason. Neither men were very religious; both finding it absolutely bullshit why people had to die in ways that were out of control.

Ben had confessed to Gwilym all about Joe’s writing. The brunet was so incredibly talented yet he never got the chance to do anything. He was too busy wasting away inside of hospital rooms. Ben didn’t understand his purpose in life. He did nothing but waste everybody’s time and finally, when he did start to do some good he was punished for it by loving a man that was too willing to walk into the light rather than stay and fight.

And then there was a guy like Gwil, who had the power to help so many. Gwilym has a purpose and so did Joe.

But Ben didn’t see himself in that light. At least not until he took his final breath. Only then did Gwilym understand all the things they had said. All the choices Ben had made in the past few weeks. In the past few days. He had been planning this for so long because to Ben it was the only way. This was his only purpose in life. To give someone like Joe a second chance at living.

Nobody knew how Joe would handle the truth. They thought about lying and saying it was an accident. Neither Ben’s mother or Joe’s wanted to tell him the truth and they kept him away from the tv and internet so the brunet wouldn’t see any of the news outlets about the man who killed himself outside of the hospital.

Joe had found him one night when he was sitting by the window all alone. He was supposed to be sleeping and the doctor was just popping in check all the monitors. He asked Gwilym for the truth and while he didn’t answer directly, he told Joe what he needed to hear.

That Ben loved him more than anything in the entire world.

He wanted to be angry and he was. Angry and hurt by how things had ended up. Ben wanted them to be together so they could have a future together. How was Joe supposed to go on without him? Joe didn’t want a future if Ben wasn’t in it.

For the first time in his life Joe was living with a healthy heart but it was a broken one too. How was Joe supposed to go on knowing the man he loved, the one who fought for them since the very beginning wasn’t with him anymore?

Gwilym reminded him that he was there. Deep inside of Joe, he was there. Beating strongly. There was so much Ben wanted for Joe and now it was time for Joe to take those first steps.

Gwilym knew about all the things Joe wanted to do. The scripts he would write and the movies he dreamed of making. It was time to turn those dreams into reality. Ben had taken care of everything without anybody even knowing about it. Everything was left to Joe, giving the man a huge push forward.

But it was more than just money. He had taken the things Joe wrote and submitted them to every fucking studio, every single film industry personnel. Joe was sitting in the hospital, crying in Tom’s arms because everything was coming together. People liked his work and wanted to make something of it.

Ben should have been by his side but he wasn’t. Life wasn’t fair and if anybody knew that it was Joe. But here he was, given the chance of a lifetime and Gwilym knew he wasn’t going to just let it slip by.

Joe wouldn’t let the man he loved die in vain. He resented his husband to the end of the earth for leaving him the way he did but at the same time, he was so fucking grateful.

Gwilym also reminded Joe that despite the pain it brought him, losing Ben also brought good to so many others in the world. As an organ donor, other people in the world would be able to gain from Joe’s loss. There was a silver lining to the dark cloud that hung over him.

There was a letter found inside the car with Joe’s name on it. He read it and cried, read it again and cried some more. He felt terrible and screamed, and punched, and wanted the entire world to know just how fucking unfair life was.

Gwilym had caught sight of the letter while Joe was preparing to leave. They were lyrics from the song Joe and Ben had danced to at their wedding. And as Joe pulled on his sunglasses and got behind the wheel of the beautiful car with that adorable beagle sitting in the passenger seat, Gwilym repeated those words in his head as he watched the man drive off.

Ben loved him.

Honest and truly.

With every single beat of his heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this will be the final chapter of this story, but the next uploaded will be something a little different. I had done this once before for '39, where it was the entire tale from Ben's POV. In the next installment, it will be this story from Joe's POV. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed seeing a bit inside Gwilym's head. He was a poor bystander who had to watch these beautiful idiots fall in love. 
> 
> This story has been wonderful overall and I sincerely apologize for this chapter being so short.


	8. Nothing Breaks Like A Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A companion piece from Joe's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. The very end. I sincerely apologize for all the tears I've caused and hearts that I have broken (no pun intended). I hope you enjoy this little add-on. It's nothing special and you don't really learn anything new, but you get Joe's perspective from the beginning to end.

****

 

__**This world can hurt you  
It cuts you deep and leaves a scar  
Things fall apart,   
but nothing breaks like a heart**

 

Joe didn’t expect to live as long as he had. His body had been trying and failing to kill him since he was just a child. Since before he was born. His mom would mention time and again how she always felt his heartbeat, even if the doctors had trouble every now and there. There were a few miscarriages scares, but his mom . . . she always knew he was there. She would tell him how hard she would press against her stomach until she felt it.

The little bump, bump, bump. His heartbeat. She could feel it, even if nobody else did.

She would tell him this in hopes of raising his spirits whenever he was low. Truth was, Joe was born low. He knew from a very young age that his life was going to be short and difficult. He had cried over it back when he was a kid. Back when he used to dream of living his life and having a future.

There was so much he wanted to do. He wanted to write and direct. He used to show off to his tutors, make them read all his stories. He couldn’t go to regular school. The stress was too much to handle so he was homeschooled. Every now and then someone from the outside would come and teach him, but it was mostly just his parents. They did everything for him.

And they were everything to him. For so long, it had just been the three of them. Joe was an only child and he didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. Sometimes he wished they had other kids. That way when he died, they’d have other kids to focus on and wouldn’t be alone.

The possibility of having more than one sick child crept into Joe’s mind time and again. His heart was bad, but did that mean his siblings would have had the same fate? He didn’t know. His parents had been healthy for most of his life, so it felt like his own illness came straight out of nowhere.

When his father got sick, everything changed for him. His dad had always been a staple for him, always been the person to stand by his side and force him into having even the slightest bit of hope.

Joe knew hope could be false and held onto that notion as he watched his father slowly drift away. It wasn’t long after that he decided that whenever his body was ready, he would be ready. He felt terrible for it, but after so many long conversations with his mother, they knew it was something they’d have to face.

Joe didn’t hold onto these false ideas that something magical was going to come along. He was a long way from a donor or a match, so he wasn’t going to pretend like it was even a possibility anymore. And he begged his mom to do the same.

It was just them from that point on and he needed her to understand where he was coming from. He didn’t want to die pretending like everything was okay. He wanted to be open and honest with his life.

His mother agreed. It was hard for her and it was hard for him as well, but she agrees anyway. No more playing pretend. No more acting like tomorrow couldn’t be his last day. They were going to handle this like adults and thats how it was.

Joe wasn’t sitting around waiting to die. No, he lived his life. He had a part-time job, making little bits of pocket cash so he could pay for a few things. He didn’t have many friends or really any. People at the hospital liked him well enough but they weren’t really his friends. Most of them felt bad for him and the conversation carried on because it was something to do.

He volunteered at the very hospital that he was born in and nearly died in time and time again. He would sit with the older patients or read with the kids. His favorite thing to do would be to play the guitar for them. He knew how to play the bass but he didn’t have one anymore. The hospital had an old acoustic with warn in strings but it still played well enough.

He went every few days. Whenever he was bored and off from work. It was something to do and kept him busy. His mom liked when he was busy. Being busy meant not over thinking or worrying or waiting.

He was there, at the hospital, playing for the kids when he first met Ben Hardy. The nurses had warned him about the guy that was court ordered to help around. Joe was mostly amused by it. The nurses were nice enough and it didn’t really take a lot to get on their nerves but it seemed this Ben guy did just that.

After only a moment of speaking with him, Joe understood why.

Ben was the type of guy to smile and except to get whatever he wanted. He didn’t come off as rude or even mean, but he knew he was good looking and he could easily put on the charm. Joe wasn’t impressed.

Well, he was. Joe knew from an early age that he liked guys but he never pursued anything. What was the point? Nobody wanted to date a dying guy. He had a friend at the hospital, a kid named Rami from a few years back. Joe had the biggest crush on him but it wasn’t meant to be. They went their separate ways and Joe never heard from him again.

He didn’t think about him anymore, but he didn’t think of anything anymore.

Except not.

Joe was thinking of Ben after their first meeting. Thinking of how one guy could be dumb enough to cause so much trouble with the law. He wanted to know when the blond would be back at the hospital, but none of the nurses would tell him so Joe went to one of the doctors. He was close with Gwilym, closer than most. He was one of the doctors that took care of Joe whenever he needed it. He didn’t bullshit Joe about anything. He still held that stupid hope, but he also didn’t pretend like everything was okay either.

He was real and realistic with him and thats what Joe needed. Apparently, the blond had to come five times a week for several hours on end. Joe didn’t go back to the hospital the next day, but that was mostly due to not wanting to seem like he lived there or anything.

He had at one point or another, but not recently. It had been a very long time since his last death scare and Joe had gotten used to being back home. He had everything he needed there. His air tank and his medication. He could survive at home and he preferred it that way.

When he finally did see Ben did it was more than he imagined. Ben was actually putting effort into his volunteering which was more than anybody excepted of him. They hung out a bit more and Joe showed him to the roof. It was his place to hide away. Gwilym had shown it to him years ago with a promise that he didn’t just jump off.

Joe had promised his mother not to end his life. It was a sick conversation the two had one night. If Joe was going to die, then it had to happen naturally. Joe was peeved by that, as he always thought that if he could at least be in control of that then he’d win in the end, but he owed his mom a lot so she won that argument.

He didn’t tell Ben about himself. Not right away. He knew it was wrong. To keep him in the dark, but how could he? Ben didn’t know a single thing about him and to be honest, he liked that. He felt normal. Joe had never been normal before. He was so used to people looking at him like he was going to fall apart, piece by piece.

But not Ben. To Ben, he was just a regular guy. A friend. He wasn’t a fan of the hospital or the sick people staying there. Sometimes Joe would wonder if it was better that way. If Ben just dropped their friendship now and pretended like they never met. Would it be better that way?

Joe hadn’t had a friend in a very long time and that was due to his own work. He pushed people away, but not Ben and that was selfish of him.

He made his mistake by drinking the coffee Ben had given him. Caffeine could literally kill him but he took the chance and low and behold his heart was nearly ripping from his chest. He had never been so embarrassed. Explaining it to his doctors and to his mom, it was a joke and a half.

All he did was drink something sugary and full of caffeine but it didn’t matter. They yelled at him like he was a child. Joe wanted to sink into the fucking floor. He half expected Ben to walk away, but he never did.

He took the truth when it came and didn’t allow it to affect their friendship. He didn’t treat Joe like he was a porcelain doll. He allowed Joe to walk on his own and it was freeing.

But still, Joe knew it couldn’t last. Eventually Ben would go back to his old lifestyle, his old friends. He had shown Joe a couple of the girls he had been with previously. Gorgeous blondes just like him. Joe wanted to throw himself from the fucking roof.

Joe didn’t know what was worse. Falling for a straight guy or falling in general. He thought maybe it was better that way. At least if Ben was straight then he wouldn’t have to deal with the possibilities of having a real relationship. This kept them both at bay and Joe preferred it that way.

Until Ben decided to up and show his fucking homosexual side. Or bisexual really. He didn’t fucking know. They never talked about it! Joe tried not to speak of things like that. He didn’t want to sound more pathetic than he already was.

He was a virgin who hadn’t even kissed anybody. The idea of sex made him feel anxious and there was a big possibility of him dying right there in bed if he even did have sex. He masturbated a time or two, especially to thoughts of Ben. It got his heart racing and he usually used his air tank afterward. Obviously, it was the sexiest thing on earth. Who wouldn’t want to bang him?

To his surprise, Ben did. Things began changing for them and it left Joe scared shitless. How close Ben would sit to him. The looks they would share. Ben would always bite his lip and smile at him and Christ it left Joe weak in the fucking knees.

It was a dangerous game and Joe tried to break away from it. He couldn’t handle that type of thing right now, but Ben, oh no he didn’t give up easily. He came for Joe, telling him right to his face that what they were feeling was real. He wasn’t going to walk away and he left Joe with the choice.

Joe did think of walking away. He did think of cutting Ben from his life but he didn’t. Maybe he was a selfish prick but god he just wanted something. Anything! Something to make him feel like he wasn’t doomed in the world. His heart barely worked and his dad was dead. At least give the guy a fucking chance at a sliver of happiness.

So he found Ben. Outside his workplace, he made his confession and made the choice to kiss him. It was his first kiss ever and while he knew it was cliche to say, it was fucking magical. Even with Ben’s coworker making fun of them from inside the cafe, it didn’t matter. They just kissed and kissed and kissed.

They eventually did more than that over time. He had been the first one to suck the other off. Ben had been always been the one taking him on dates and making him feel good, Joe wanted to repay him. It was a wonderful experience, with Ben muttering his name like a prayer and the way his fingers ran through his hair.

Ben had attempted to do the same, but it as terrifying for them both. Anything that could get his heart racing was dangerous. It got to the point where Joe demanded to take action. They went to Gwilym which was awkward in its own right. He didn’t care though. He wanted this.

If he was going to die, there was no fucking way he was dying a virgin, let him be clear on that!

Their decision was a pacemaker. It was another surgery though Joe wasn’t scared at this point. He’s had so many in his life, he rarely bothered to take his shirt off. Ben had forced him to after one night and he didn’t seem affected by Joe’s scars. He kissed them all and oh fuck Joe was so lost for this guy.

They would lay together, just talking and smiling. It left Joe feeling weak. Ben was so beautiful, inside and out. He deserved someone so much better than Joe. Someone who could take shots with him and wear tight clothing. Someone not afraid to get on the dance floor and grind up in the club.

Joe loved to dance but he never revealed that to anybody. Except for Ben. There were moments when they’d be at his place and a song would come up. Ben would urge him up and they’d dance together. Slow and romantic or even quick and fun with them jumping around without a care. It was the most carefree Joe had ever been.

No, no this wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to meet a guy and fall in love. He was supposed to die and that was the end of it. Now they were here talking about the future and it just wasn’t fair anymore.

The surgery was a success like Gwilym promised it would be. When they did have sex, it was just as magical as the sex. Joe had never been so happy. Honest to God, he could have died right then and there and he would have been completely okay with it.

Except he didn’t. He carried on living, continued to have Ben plan more and more for them. Ben never understood the whole thing about false hope. They had countless arguments over it.

“How could hope be false? It’s literally hope!” Ben snapped at him, sounding much like a mad man.

It was the stupidest thing Joe had ever heard, but also the sweetest.

There were countless times when Joe just wanted to walk away. There were times when Ben wanted to as well, but they continued to pull the other back. It was wrong and fucked up and sometimes Joe would wish they had never met. But then there were times when Joe was just so fucking happy that he was okay with it all.

In another world, Joe was normal. His heart wasn’t broken and they’d be like every other couple. They’d go to clubs and dance until they couldn’t any longer. They had gone only once, by the request of Joe who wanted to experience it. The bouncy trap music and the lights all around them. They danced close and forgot the rest of the world around them even existed.

They would get married and have children. They would grow old together and live happily. It was a life that Joe dreamt of often always knew was out of his reach.

It was a life that Joe wanted to give Ben permanently. One where there was no worrying or care. You could close your eyes and dance to the music and that was that.

He had never been so angry in his entire life. Who the fuck said it was okay to make him feel this way? Who the fuck would give him this life, make him feel completely content with dying and then throw Ben his way?

It was wrong and cruel and Joe spent many nights screaming into his pillow until Ben had suggested they move in together. He didn’t want to. Being that close to Ben just wasn’t right but even his own mother thought it was a good idea.

He felt betrayed but gave in. They moved in together and it was good.

And then that blond bastard showed up with a fucking puppy. But not just any puppy. It was a fucking service dog. He had spoken about how much he wanted one when he was a kid. Joe wasn’t a kid anymore but he had a boyfriend who apparently just wanted to be his fucking sugar daddy.

Were you supposed to fight this often with the one you loved? Or were Ben and Joe just so fucked in the head, so fucking stubborn that it was just their thing?

They kept the puppy and everything was okay. They were making it work. They still worked, still lived their lives. They had a pet to spoil and everything was good. They were saving sex often enough and the pacemaker was doing a decent enough job. Frankie, their little puppy, did her job well and Joe was pleased with the transition.

And then that . . . fucking man! That fucking man that Joe loved more than anything decided to show up and offer marriage. Fucking marriage! You don’t marry someone like Joe. You don’t marry people who are going to die.

Apparently, the whole point of the marriage was to stop that. The dying part anyway. If they got married, then Joe would be under Ben’s step-dad’s insurance. It was Ben’s clean version of him getting him a heart faster than he already was.

Joe wanted to say no. He technically did, but it didn’t matter. On top of the hospital, Joe fought the urge to jump off the fucking roof.

They were so lost. So fucking weak for one another. Joe found him and dropped to his knee, stealing Ben’s thunder. They kept the wedding small and simple. Joe had been the one to find the rings, something inexpensive yet beautiful. They wore suits that made them look like a million bucks. It was the suit that he planned on being buried in and still would be.

It was the best day of his life. He was dancing and laughing and living his life. Joe never lived his life before this. Before the best day had been when he was ten and he met his favorite director all because of a fucking Make-A-Wish.

Now he was older and dancing with his husband. Ben had been in charge of choosing the song for their first dance and he didn’t waste a single moment choosing the most romantic song Joe had ever heard.

For their honeymoon, Ben didn’t spare a single expense. They went to California by train and stayed for a week. They went to all the places Joe dreamed of going, dreamed of working. It was more than Joe could ever ask for.

Thats why then they got back and his health began to decline, he didn’t fight it anymore.

He had tried. Truly he did. He gave Ben what he wanted. He tried to be hopeful, tried to plan for the future. He made friends and had a social life. He and Allen, Ben’s co-worker, had become close thanks to their shared love of old films. He was a regular guy because of Ben.

And that was why he would miss him so much.

When he was taken to the hospital, Joe knew it was over. That this was it. He had told Ben he loved him again and again, wanting him to know that. He needed him to know that.

He needed that stupid blond to know how utterly thankful he was for him.

So when the world went black, Joe would have zero regrets. He would greet his father with a hug and plenty of stories to tell.

But that time never came. The next time he woke up, he wasn’t in pain. He could breathe. Joe forgot what it was like to breathe without pain. He was crying out, holding his mother's hand. He didn’t know how Ben did it without him knowing, but he was glad he did.

He asked for Ben, wanting to slap him and kiss him and tell him he loved him. But he never came.

Joe waited days but Ben never came to the hospital. Nobody would even say his name. His mother would leave the room whenever he mentioned him. It was like Ben didn’t even exist.

He got answers finally and Joe didn’t believe it. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t possible. He expected this to be some insane joke that his husband was playing on him. Some cruel prank before he’d jump out with candy and coffee and other things he could never have.

But he never did.

Gwilym had tried to explain it all. Tried to say that even in the darkness there was a light. Joe wasn’t the only one benefitting from the loss. Joe knew Ben was an organ donor; they had spoken about it early on in their relationship, but Joe never gave it much thought.

He spent many nights crying, his hand over his properly beating heart. They had allowed Frankie into the room and she just kept sniffing him, like she could smell Ben too. His mother held him as he cried, and so did Tom, Ben’s stepdad.

He and Tom had a conversation when his mom and Ben’s own mother had stepped away. Ben’s father gave up on his family and Tom did everything he could to make Ben feel loved and welcome. Joe assured him that Ben knew what Tom did for him and how he loved him. And Tom reminded him just how much Ben loved him.

Joe was forced to stay at the hospital to recover and while there he found that his husband was sneakier than he expected. The man had been planning this for a while now, or at least that was how it seemed. Joe had finished a handful of scripts and just left them in their room to collect dust.

It seemed Ben had friends in high places and sent them all out. People liked his work. A lot. There was even a letter from Mr. Spielberg himself. Joe had to fight the urge to jump off the fucking roof after reading it all.

Allen snuck him out of the hospital. Well not really. He was leaving in a few days anyway, but they skipped out and went to see his husband. He had to beg Tom to tell him where the man was even buried.

He stood before his tombstone, reading the words over and over again.

Benjamin Jones Hardy-Mazzello. Beloved son and husband. There was a picture of him sitting there, left over from the funeral. Joe fought the urge to kick it.

Stupid fucking blond idiot asshole cocksucking bastard.

The conversation started off calmly. With Joe telling him how he was breathing and everything. “I guess I should thank you and everything.” He mentioned before throwing down his bag of letters and screaming out as loud as he could.

Tom and Allen called out to him, but they stayed by the car. This was between him and his husband.

He screamed and screamed and cried. He was fisting the dirt and throwing it around him, destroying the flowers that were placed there. He was hitting the tombstone until his knuckles were bloody and his hands were hurting. Eventually, he collapsed against the tombstone, turning his head to look at the picture of his former mate.

“We were supposed to be together! It was supposed to be me! Why did you have to be so fucking stubborn!?” Joe cried harder and harder, shaking against the ground as he wrapped his arms around his knees. “Why did you have to love me so fucking much?”

How was he supposed to carry on without him? It didn’t seem possible to Joe. He knew he had to though. Ben had done so much for him. Joe refused to allow his husband's death to be in vain. He would go to Hollywood and make his films. He would live the life he had been denied and when his body decided it was enough he would reunite with Ben once more.

And promptly beat his pretty fucking face in.

On one of the last days at the hospital, everybody was listening to his heart. To Ben’s heart. Gwilym was pleased with his work, but even Joe could see the pain in his eyes. Nobody would tell him the truth, but Joe knew differently. Accidents don’t just happen.

Or maybe they did. He met Ben all because of an accident. Or maybe that was the universes way of keeping him around? What a sick, cruel way of doing things.

Tom visited him one last night with a special request. Ben and his mother had a good relationship, but the one that always caught his attention was Ben and Tom’s relationship. The older man cared so much for the blond, right up to the very end.

When he listened to his stepson's heart beating in his son-in-law's chest, Tom cried openly. He loved Ben without question and Joe knew that for a fact.

When he left the hospital for the final time, he said goodbye to the nurses and patients. He said goodbye to Gwilym, promising that he’d never, ever come back.

Taking Frankie, Joe walked out to the beloved car that Ben had taken such good care of even after destroying it. Climbing into the red Triumph TR4 with his dog by his side, Joe drove far, far away.

Inside the glove compartment sat the letter that Ben had written Joe prior to doing what he did. Joe read it again and again, trying to make sense of it but it didn’t have to try that hard.

Ben had used the lyrics to the song they danced to at their wedding. They were born to love each other and take care of one another. And at the end of the day, Ben loved him with every single beat of his heart.

And be believed this, one hundred percent. With his heart beating strongly in his chest, Joe knew that he would survive. That he would live.

But not forever. Because no matter how healthy he was, Joe knew one thing was for sure.

Nothing breaks like a heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it worth writing? Was it worth reading?
> 
> I have something else coming for you. Something I happen to be co-writing with Lis (author of Angels to Fly) so look out for that soon enough!
> 
> Please tell me what you thought below! 
> 
> Until next time.


	9. Total Eclipse of the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never intended to write this. It was supposed to end with Ben giving his life so Joe could carry on without him. I knew it hurt most of you, but that was the plan from the beginning. 
> 
> And then I saw Five Feet Apart, got pissed off, and then made myself sad after realizing what I had done. 
> 
> So, here it is. It's not very long and it's not very good, but it's a second chance. 
> 
> Please enjoy.

**_Once upon a_ _time_ _ **,** I was falling in love_**  
**_But now I'm only falling apart_**  
**_There's nothing I can do_**  
**_A total eclipse of the heart_**  
**_Once upon a_ _time_ _, there was light in my life_**  
**_But now there's only love in the dark_**  
**_Nothing I can say_**  
**_A total eclipse of the heart_**

 

Ben was counting the days, the hours, the minutes, because he knew it was coming. Any moment now, the end would be here. Joe would take his final breath and the beautiful man that he loved so intensely would cease to exist any longer.

It was a cruel twist of fate, meeting him. Ben never expected to fall in love, but whoever does?

Ben knew he should have been thankful for the time he shared with Joe, but to be completely honest, he found that to be rather bullshit. He was happy to have Joe in his life, there was no question about that, but to suggest he be thankful for the time? Bullocks.

No. He wasn’t going to be thankful that he got a small amount of time with this man. He was going to be selfish and demand more time because that is what they deserved. Ben may not have been a bloody saint, but no amount of troublemaking should have caused this much heartache.

He didn’t know if there was a God but found that he hoped there wasn’t because that bastard would have a lot of fucking explaining to do.

Ben would take turns with Joe’s mother, sitting beside him and waiting for the world to end. Both had tried their best to be hopeful, but they knew Joe so well. He would eventually stop fighting because thats what he really wanted. He wanted the pain to stop, wanted the hurting to end. Not just on himself, but on everybody else as well.

They had talked about it countless times. How Joe couldn’t handle the pressure of someone taking care of him, of them worrying about his own troubles. It was his burden to bear, not somebody else's. Watching them get their hopes up time and time ago was just added on torture and Joe wholeheartedly believed (no pun intended) that they would be better off if he just died already.

Ben didn’t believe in violence, though he nearly slapped the man upside the head for even mentioning such a horrible thing. It wasn’t selfish to need some help and while Ben understood the point that Joe was trying to make, it didn’t help the situation.

Neither Joe’s mother or himself were willing to walk away and Joe knew that. And while he had put up enough of a fight, both also knew eventually he was going to bow down and end it all.

Joe’s mother was stronger than him for many reasons. She raised her son on her own after the death of her husband, and despite watching the two people she loved most waste away in front of her, she always came in with a bright smile and cheerful outlook. She was a wonderful woman and Ben was thankful to have her in his life, as not only a mother-in-law but as a friend as well.

On this particular day, Ben gave them their privacy. He went off to sit on the roof; to smoke his cigarette and think about life. It pained him to be there and he would be lying if he said he didn’t think of jumping. He wondered if he fell, would he die? And would his organs be of any use afterward? It would be something he’d have to google later on.

Ben wasn’t sure how long he had been up there, sitting out and watching the sky from afar. It had always been the prettiest view. When it was all over and he left the hospital for the final time, Ben knew it would be something he’d miss.

Jumping down from his usual spot, Ben turned to see Gwilym standing there, panting. Ben’s throat tightened and the look on the doctor's face was enough.

“Gwil,” Ben began.

“There was an accident,” Gwilym told him.

Ben closed his eyes, waiting for him to confess it. Waiting for him to say the words, that his husband was gone, that Joe was dead.

Instead, he said something else. “A car accident. The driver, young male. They didn’t make it.” Gwilym stepped closer to Ben. “He was an organ donor,”

The words echoed in Ben’s head and he was quiet for far too long. “Does that mean….?”

Ben found himself unable to breathe, the air tightening in his throat.

“I am having him prepped for surgery,” Gwilym answered him. “As his husband, you have to sign off for it. We need to do this now, Ben.”

The blond didn’t wait for the doctor to finish. He pushed past him and went right back down. Papers were shoved in his face and he signed wherever they needed him to sign. Joe’s mother was crying tears of joy, practically falling to the floor with happiness.

“We need you to understand, this may not even work,” Gwilym said to them both. “I am good at my job, but at the end of the day, the risks still exist. And if it does work, the heart may not take to him or the life expectancy might be shorter than we first thought.”

“We trust you, Gwilym,” Ben told him.

None of that mattered. If the new heart meant getting any extra time with Joe, then Ben and Joe’s mother was more than willing to take the chance. Ben went to his husband’s side once more, kissing his head and caressing him gently. He promised to be there when he woke and it would be a promise Ben would keep.

They handed him Joe’s wedding ring, something he promises to give back when he woke up.

They wheeled him away and into the operating room. Gwilym gave him one solid nod before following him inside.

And thats when the waiting began. Joe’s mother knew all about waiting, but now it was Ben’s turn. The surgery itself lasted four hours and that on its own was absolute torture. He walked all around the hospital, lighting up and then flicking dozens of cigarettes. He didn’t smoke anymore and wouldn’t for the rest of his life.

When Gwilym reappeared, he came with good news, but not great news. The surgery was a success but the possibility of the heart rejecting Joe was still high. Ben watched from the glass as his husband slept on. He had been unconscious for so long, Ben was beginning to forget what his voice sounded like.

He sat in the hospital chairs, watching videos of Joe and himself on his phone. Ones they had taken while in California, a few that were a bit more personal, and some that were just silly. Ben watched them over and over until he fell asleep in the most uncomfortable position.

When he woke, Joe was still passed out, but they hoped he’d wake soon. Ben decided to leave the hospital, but only to fetch Frankie who was currently staying with his parents. Tom and his mother had visited after they found out Joe had gotten a heart and Tom was making sure everything was being taken care of properly.

Frankie was happy to see him, having been kept at bay for so long. Ben had already shown off her certification and knew she’d be allowed in once Joe was awake. And if he knew his husband as he did, he’d want to see him.

When he returned to the hospital, the beagle in arms, Gwilym was once again searching for him to inform him that Joe was awake. When Ben walked into the room, Joe was lying back on the bed, his eyes half open and still strapped to all the machines.

Ben reached out, taking his hand. Despite being hyped up on whatever they gave him, his reflexes were still spot on and he swiftly laced their fingers together and squeezed Ben’s hand until it turned red.

“Hey buddy,” Ben breathed softly. “Look at you.”

“I got a heart,” Joe told him, his voice shaking as he spoke. “Who did you kill?”

Ben laughed, wetly as he began to cry right there because it was real.

Joe was awake. He had gotten a transplant, even if it was a dire one. The surgery was a success and he was alive. Living and breathing, right in front of him.

“No one, I swear. You just got lucky. Very, very lucky.”

“I had a dream they gave me your heart,” Joe confessed breathlessly. “I was gonna kick your ass.”

Ben laughed against, bringing Joe’s hand to his mouth to kiss. “You’ve always had my heart, Joe.”

Joe let out a small laugh of his own, whimpers leaving his mouth as he opened his eyes fully to look to the blond. “They took my ring.” He confessed, lifting up his twitching hand.

Ben cried more, unable to fathom how even after surgery Joe could focus on something so minimal. Reaching into his pocket, Ben took Joe’s ring out and held it up for him to see. He slipped it back onto his finger, kissing it sweetly.

“I’ve never felt so good,” Joe confessed, warm tears slipping down the corners of his eyes. “I can breathe. Christ Ben, I can breathe.”

Ben bobbed his head, kissing Joe’s hand once more. “Just keep breathing, buddy,” Ben whispered, watching as Joe closed his eyes again, relaxing back with his hand still in Ben’s.

The recovery time was slower than one expected, but Ben didn’t care. They’d stay at the hospital for another month if it meant Joe would be all right. The heart took to Joe as it belonged there. Beating healthy and strong.

Gwilym went over everything with them, explaining that the rate of the heart lasting was five to ten years depending. Joe was welcome to live freely, but he still had to be careful. The brunet could only laugh. He knew the meaning of careful and Ben was fairly certain his husband was going to be anything but.

After ten days, they were given the chance to finally leave. Ben watched Joe carefully, checking and double checking to make sure he was all right. He knew this would be a lot to take in and the blond was ready to help in any way they could.

Seeing Joe walk out on his own, breathing air without coughing and not have to carry around the bloody air tank or inhaler was like a dream come true.

Joe was happy to have Frankie at the hospital with him, but it was home that he really wanted to be. Ben hadn’t been there since they first admitted Joe into the hospital, choosing to stay at the hospital or his parent's house.

It wasn’t home without Joe and now he was back.

Everything was fresh and new to Joe. He was living on borrowed time, that was true, but he was happy. He laid in bed, confessing to Ben that it felt like a dream. That he would wake up and find he’s still in the hospital or worse, he was actually dead and this was his own version of heaven.

Ben just kissed him, shaking his head and laughing when Joe deepened the kiss. He was never able to kiss him for long periods of time before, always needing to pull away to breath, but now they had time. They were invincible.

Joe had never felt invincible before, but it looked good on him. There was so much that he wanted to do and Ben tried his best to keep up with the man. They ate wildly until their stomachs were full and they felt absolutely sick with the sugar intake.

They had gone to a club once before, but this time it was different. There was no rushing off the dance floor to find a corner to stay in to catch their breaths. Joe was dancing like there was no tomorrow, even if he knew damn well there would be one.

Once again they bothered poor Gwilym about when they’d be able to be physical and after given the go, they didn’t waste another moment.

It was just as intense as it had been before, but for different reasons now. Joe didn’t have to worry about his heart stopping and instead focused on the absolute pleasure that came from being with his husband.

They laid together afterward, wrapped in nothing more than a blanket with their own sweat. Joe was looking at him like he was a work of heart and Ben felt himself beginning to blush.

“It’s odd. Knowing that someone had to die for me to live.” Joe had mentioned suddenly.

Ben shifted in the bed, taken back from the confession. Gwilym had warned Ben that Joe may have survivors guilt afterward, as it came from the shock value of having a transplant. Ben was told to handle it carefully and he did his best.

Sometimes he’d find him sitting by the window, staring out endlessly. He wondered what was going on inside that beautiful head of his, but Ben never questioned. Joe would write in his journal, trying his best to perfect the perfect script. He wouldn’t let Ben read it until he deemed it ready, but the blond already knew it was wonderful.

“They did.” There was no denying that. A young man lost his life and it was sad and tragic, but for others, life had to go on. Ben told him that many other people would be given a new lease on life with the organs that had been donated and that included Joe with his heart.

Ben moved forward, kissing Joe slowly. He shifted on the bed, going to rest his head on Joe’s chest. He couldn’t get over how beautiful the sound was, his strong, beating heart.

They did this often. Even with all the excitement of new possibilities, staying in bed and laying together was what really made them happy.

Eventually, Frankie joined them, taking her place at the end of the bed.

“How is it even with a new heart you still manage to take my breath away?” Joe asked him, wrapping his arms around the blond.

Ben tilted his head up, smiling brightly to this man, who he could finally love without boundaries, without worry. He knew there was still risks and that they would never fully be out of the woods, but it didn’t matter.

“Guess I’m just that talented.” He told him.

He received an eye roll in response, but it was all he needed.

In that small moment, he knew everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I demand to know what every single one of you thinks and please, be detailed. I write this for YOU, my loyal readers. 
> 
> Title and intro came from Total Eclipse of the Heart -- best song ever.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what do you think thus far? I have been dying to share this one with you. It's truly my swan song.


End file.
